Sluggish. That is the definition I would use. Like walking under water, or through mud, or like swimming fully clothed.
I am tapering off the anti-depressant. I will start the new one soon. I feel as if my body is someone else's. I wake in the mornings and am disappointed that He didn't take me during the night. I am not ungrateful for His mercy; I'm just so very tired of fighting this.
Not sure if it is the tapering of the Cymbalta or just the fact it is no longer working, but my body has never felt this bad. My brain has something going on that I can only describe as electrical "zaps". The nausea, the dizziness, the panicky feeling.
He did give me Klonipin to tide me over until the tapering is done - it doesn't soothe the anxiety - it only makes me feel "out-of-control" and extremely sleepy.
He increased the Lamictal - to "keep me between the ditches" was how he described it.
You know I don't even remember who I was when I was "normal".
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 09, 2009
Black Dog’s Return
He’s back.
The Black Dog of depression has returned with a vengeance.
Since 1992 I have been treated with anti-depressants. Since 1992, these medications will stop being effective somewhere between 1.5 to 3 years after beginning them. It never, ever gets easier.
This last time they were changed, Lamictal was added and it worked! I no longer had any imagination for writing or much else, but at least I was not awakening every morning only to regret it. It has been 2 years and 3 months. I probably started going down about 4-5 months ago, but like weight gain, when you see it every single day, you don’t notice it until something no longer fits.
Every time it happens, I hit absolute bottom before I realize I am there again. Every time, I tell myself I should have caught that I was going down hill, yet I never do.
I hate being like this. Every single time it happens I go through the same old storyline in my mind; if I were just stronger; if I just had more faith; if I would just pick myself up by my boot straps; all the ifs come washing back over me like a wave.
I pray that one day they will know what causes a brain to not work normally, and find a cure so that no more generations will have to live with the anguish that is my mind.
The Black Dog of depression has returned with a vengeance.
Since 1992 I have been treated with anti-depressants. Since 1992, these medications will stop being effective somewhere between 1.5 to 3 years after beginning them. It never, ever gets easier.
This last time they were changed, Lamictal was added and it worked! I no longer had any imagination for writing or much else, but at least I was not awakening every morning only to regret it. It has been 2 years and 3 months. I probably started going down about 4-5 months ago, but like weight gain, when you see it every single day, you don’t notice it until something no longer fits.
Every time it happens, I hit absolute bottom before I realize I am there again. Every time, I tell myself I should have caught that I was going down hill, yet I never do.
I hate being like this. Every single time it happens I go through the same old storyline in my mind; if I were just stronger; if I just had more faith; if I would just pick myself up by my boot straps; all the ifs come washing back over me like a wave.
I pray that one day they will know what causes a brain to not work normally, and find a cure so that no more generations will have to live with the anguish that is my mind.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Hard Times
Hasn’t been this hard in a loooooooooooooooooooooong time.
I am recovering from some type of infection. Horribly sore throat, temps of 103, just pretty much a feeling of being run over by a MAC truck if you know what I mean.
Do antibiotics affect the psyche drugs? Maybe it was just being down sick for 4 days and not being able to eat.
Whatever…hasn’t been this hard in a while.
I am recovering from some type of infection. Horribly sore throat, temps of 103, just pretty much a feeling of being run over by a MAC truck if you know what I mean.
Do antibiotics affect the psyche drugs? Maybe it was just being down sick for 4 days and not being able to eat.
Whatever…hasn’t been this hard in a while.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Prevent Adultery
Adultery
Take my word for it, we never just awaken one day and think, “Hey, I think I’ll ruin a few lives today”. It begins with flattery, maybe a little “harmless” flirting.
Just as someone who has not exercised in years would not suddenly get out there and just take off in a 5k run, they would take it slow, a little bit at a time.
It’s the same way with adultery. You would never dream of yourself as capable of adultery. It is a black and white issue. Then the flirting begins - the feelings of “well I’m not getting what I need at home” or “I’m not appreciated at home.”
Listen to the song as you read the words:
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Take my word for it, we never just awaken one day and think, “Hey, I think I’ll ruin a few lives today”. It begins with flattery, maybe a little “harmless” flirting.
Just as someone who has not exercised in years would not suddenly get out there and just take off in a 5k run, they would take it slow, a little bit at a time.
It’s the same way with adultery. You would never dream of yourself as capable of adultery. It is a black and white issue. Then the flirting begins - the feelings of “well I’m not getting what I need at home” or “I’m not appreciated at home.”
Listen to the song as you read the words:
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Friday, June 19, 2009
Baby Steps
At 48, I sometimes feel like a newborn. I feel like I am a little child learning life from the beginning. Like a stroke victim learning daily functions all over again. At 48 I can do anything I darn well please and answer to no one unless I decide to. I can cry. I can curse. I can throw things. (I don’t throw things, although sometimes I feel like it.) I can be angry.
I was not allowed to do these things growing up. Crying would get you smacked. Cursing would have gotten me killed I suppose, I was never dumb enough to test that theory. I was taught with the back of a hair brush or a comb across my face, (or whatever happened to be within reach) to keep my emotions level. No anger, no tears, no elation. Just “be” and do that very quietly.
I guess lately I have begun to test my limits. Like a toddler standing to her feet those first couple of times, testing her little legs' ability to walk, I am testing my ability to set my own boundaries and limits. It is a very scary thing to do. Maybe when it is done naturally, at the ages where it is appropriate, it isn’t as frightening, but doing it now at my age is very frightening.
I find my justified anger at work most unsettling. I liken it to when I bought my new roller ball mouse. A roller ball mouse is very different. You lay your hand over the mouse and it never moves. You only move the ball with your thumb. It was distressingly hard to become accustomed to this mouse, but I knew it would be better ergonomically because I was beginning to have some wrist pain. At first though, it was clumsy, difficult and felt unnatural.
That is how my “new” anger feels. Clumsy, unnecessary, pointless. WRONG.
I’m learning though. I am learning I CAN be angry and it is okay. I am learning it is okay to laugh and be happy WITHOUT waiting on the other shoe to drop.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wonders
My son, who chose to no longer have a relationship with me after his father and I divorced, may be coming around.
His wife, who also avoided me all these years, emailed me a month ago and asked me if I wanted to ride with her to have my grandson’s pre-op work for his corneal transplant.
My grandson is 8. He was born blind because of chemo and multiple surgeries when his mother was found to have bone cancer during the first three weeks of pregnancy.
I was completely and utterly shocked at this email. Having no idea why I was asked, after all this time, I was very nervous about saying yes but in my gut knew that I would go.
We made that trip this week. It was a wonderful 4 hour drive there. We spent the night and went to visit all the doctors involved the next day and drove home that afternoon. This was my first real interaction with my grandson. He has a sister who I have not been “allowed” to visit as well.
My daughter-in-law and I talked and laughed the entire time. She and my son were high school sweethearts and I knew her like one of my own until my ex-husband did everything he could to turn my son against me during our divorce.
Over the ten years it has been this way, I have learned not to get my hopes up about our relationship being put back together, but I have to believe this was a first step.
My grandson will be having his transplant on June 1. Please pray for him and his family during this time. All the trips back and forth will be hard on them financially and otherwise. Pray that the transplant will be successful. I can’t even dream of what it will be like for him to finally see.
His wife, who also avoided me all these years, emailed me a month ago and asked me if I wanted to ride with her to have my grandson’s pre-op work for his corneal transplant.
My grandson is 8. He was born blind because of chemo and multiple surgeries when his mother was found to have bone cancer during the first three weeks of pregnancy.
I was completely and utterly shocked at this email. Having no idea why I was asked, after all this time, I was very nervous about saying yes but in my gut knew that I would go.
We made that trip this week. It was a wonderful 4 hour drive there. We spent the night and went to visit all the doctors involved the next day and drove home that afternoon. This was my first real interaction with my grandson. He has a sister who I have not been “allowed” to visit as well.
My daughter-in-law and I talked and laughed the entire time. She and my son were high school sweethearts and I knew her like one of my own until my ex-husband did everything he could to turn my son against me during our divorce.
Over the ten years it has been this way, I have learned not to get my hopes up about our relationship being put back together, but I have to believe this was a first step.
My grandson will be having his transplant on June 1. Please pray for him and his family during this time. All the trips back and forth will be hard on them financially and otherwise. Pray that the transplant will be successful. I can’t even dream of what it will be like for him to finally see.
Her Mom's Brain
I recently found a new BLOG I have come to love.
The writer is the grown daughter of an Alzheimer’s patient.
She is very open and very honest. See for yourself.
The writer is the grown daughter of an Alzheimer’s patient.
She is very open and very honest. See for yourself.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I have learned more and more about ignoring my feelings. I've worn that mask for so many years, it goes on each morning as naturally as make-up.
I feel invisible on my job. I don't think my office mates, (who are also my superiors) have a clue what I actually do. They don't seem to "get" that my work sometimes requires being uninterrupted.
My mother doesn't remember the abuse and the severe neglect, or how she threw me out when I became pregnant at 15, she only remembers how long it has been since I called her or visited her last.
My husband doesn't remember the hot sex we had that drew us together in the first place, and now he doesn't want it. He doesn't (?) understand how much I am hurting from this decision, not how tempted I am to rectify it in some other arena.
But I put that mask on, every day, along with my eye liner and mascara.
I feel invisible on my job. I don't think my office mates, (who are also my superiors) have a clue what I actually do. They don't seem to "get" that my work sometimes requires being uninterrupted.
My mother doesn't remember the abuse and the severe neglect, or how she threw me out when I became pregnant at 15, she only remembers how long it has been since I called her or visited her last.
My husband doesn't remember the hot sex we had that drew us together in the first place, and now he doesn't want it. He doesn't (?) understand how much I am hurting from this decision, not how tempted I am to rectify it in some other arena.
But I put that mask on, every day, along with my eye liner and mascara.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Black Sheep and the I.C.U.
My daddy is really sick. Earlier this week he went to the emergency room with severe stomach pain and vomiting. After many hours lying there, they discovered he had a bowel obstruction.
When they did the surgery, they couldn’t get him off the vent right away. They also found he had aspiration pneumonia. He is running a fever. His lungs are just all crunky. They have him in ICU.
My sister and daddy’s wife have been up there with him the most. I live in the next county from them. It is harder for me to just up and leave my job to stay up there. I am getting very little bits and pieces of everything that is going on. When I was there this evening, his wife couldn’t even explain to me why they were talking about him going into rehab when he leaves the hospital. They found a heart murmur, but I can’t think of any reason that would require the rehab. The man though is 76 years old, could run circles around a lot of people my age. He goes to the gym several days a week, he does a his own yard work, he was highly healthy until this.
My sister has talked to the doctor several times but she will not for whatever reason call me and tell me shit. She is nine years older than I. She has never had anything to do with me, and I have tried to form a relationship with her for years and years.
We’re the only two siblings. I always felt I was the black sheep…I made the noticeable mistakes. She lives in a big fancy house, drives expensive cars, and takes trips across the country 4-5 times a year. She is the golden child. But I can't get a call from her telling me how OUR daddy is. She goes to Mexico with her church and helps all the poor children there, she takes care of little ole ladies from her church, yet she refuses to give me straight from the doctor to her information.
My daughter, who is 33, went today to visit her papa and my sister was there. Sister didn’t even talk to my daughter unless she asked her a question, then she would answer and that was it.
Our family was a really fucked one. Bad stuff. But during a time like this can she not share information with me? Would it kill her to talk to me long enough for that? She has a cushy job and can come and go as she pleases and it is a mile from the hospital so she is up there a lot whereas I have to be in my office when no one else is there which is a lot of the time, plus I am in the next county. Takes me over an hour to get to the hospital where he is.
The Black Sheep rule shouldn’t count when your parent could die.
When they did the surgery, they couldn’t get him off the vent right away. They also found he had aspiration pneumonia. He is running a fever. His lungs are just all crunky. They have him in ICU.
My sister and daddy’s wife have been up there with him the most. I live in the next county from them. It is harder for me to just up and leave my job to stay up there. I am getting very little bits and pieces of everything that is going on. When I was there this evening, his wife couldn’t even explain to me why they were talking about him going into rehab when he leaves the hospital. They found a heart murmur, but I can’t think of any reason that would require the rehab. The man though is 76 years old, could run circles around a lot of people my age. He goes to the gym several days a week, he does a his own yard work, he was highly healthy until this.
My sister has talked to the doctor several times but she will not for whatever reason call me and tell me shit. She is nine years older than I. She has never had anything to do with me, and I have tried to form a relationship with her for years and years.
We’re the only two siblings. I always felt I was the black sheep…I made the noticeable mistakes. She lives in a big fancy house, drives expensive cars, and takes trips across the country 4-5 times a year. She is the golden child. But I can't get a call from her telling me how OUR daddy is. She goes to Mexico with her church and helps all the poor children there, she takes care of little ole ladies from her church, yet she refuses to give me straight from the doctor to her information.
My daughter, who is 33, went today to visit her papa and my sister was there. Sister didn’t even talk to my daughter unless she asked her a question, then she would answer and that was it.
Our family was a really fucked one. Bad stuff. But during a time like this can she not share information with me? Would it kill her to talk to me long enough for that? She has a cushy job and can come and go as she pleases and it is a mile from the hospital so she is up there a lot whereas I have to be in my office when no one else is there which is a lot of the time, plus I am in the next county. Takes me over an hour to get to the hospital where he is.
The Black Sheep rule shouldn’t count when your parent could die.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Strange Day...
I had a rather strange day today.I can't quite put my finger on it, but I felt, well, weird. I felt the past crawling up my shoulder trying to get in my face. Past that has been left in the past for a considerable length of time now.
I started having tears falling down my face, for seemingly no reason.
I have felt kind of bad physically for a while now. I seem to have started having some shortness of breath, and my back has been worse than usual. My ankles have started swelling, and that's something I haven't had to contend with until lately.
I feel distant from everyone, like I could go back inside myself again. Not leave my house.
I've started wondering why sex is always on my mind. Because I'm not getting any? It has to be more than that. If it was an orgasm I needed I could do that myself, probably quicker and stronger than those produced by someone else if you know what I mean.
Why do I feel so compelled to have sex? It is as if that is what proves someone loves me. I know my husband's testosterone level is in the ditch, so there is a perfectly good reason for him to have no desire. I still though, somewhere in my heart, need that to feel complete love from him.
I have also been terribly fatigued lately. It's just all I can do after work to get the zoo cleaned and fed and spend time with each animal. It's even hard to pray right now, to concentrate on my conversations with the Lord. Forget reading the Bible, all I can do is read the same verse over and over.
I hope and pray my meds aren't about to fizzle out. I've been through I don't know how many periods where they do and then it is hit and miss time all over again. Trying this one and that one and this combination or that combo. Those are very discouraging times for sure.
Usually when I walk in from work, my dogs can lift my spirits with all their greetings and kisses and bringing me toys. For two days that hasn't even helped.
I never miss work, but lately every morning I am checking out how I feel, trying to find a legitimate reason to call in.
I've hung on before and I'll hang on again but it sure gets harder every time.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Change Sucks
"Change" sucks! It does. It really does.
I’ve been at my job for nine years. I changed titles 7 years ago because another job came open that I preferred over the one I had. Before the change, I was on call 24-7, had to make middle of the night site inspections, and take client to lunch for schmoozing. After a couple of years, I was getting to the point where the public anxiety thing was rearing its’ ugly head for the first time so when this other job opened up I jumped at the opportunity.
Well, as of this week my job has changed again, but not by choice. I will still be in the same office in the same desk, but my tasks have changed somewhat. I am very thankful I still h
ave a job, and am thankful I am still able to stay off my feet most of the day (because of my back). However, people with bipolar DO NOT LIKE CHANGE.
I had my week planned down to a tee. I knew what I would be doing at what time every day, week after week, month upon month and year after year. I am the same way at home as well. Even my dogs know exactly what will happen when I walk in the door everyday. I raised my babies the same way. I nursed them when they wanted to eat, but otherwise we did everything else at the same time every day. Back then I didn’t know anything about bipolar, I just assumed I was anal. Now I realize why I was the way I was.
So now I have to change my schedule, and so far this week it has been horrible. I’m tense, my entire body aches, I was so ill yesterday (and for those of you NOT from the South,” ill” doesn’t mean I was sick, it means I was in the most horrible mood possible), that I wasn’t worth the lead it would have took to put me out of everybody’s misery.
I am sure that with time I will learn my new job, and I will get it all set up into a new comfy, cozy schedule. In the meantime, just don’t muck around with my emotions.
Well, as of this week my job has changed again, but not by choice. I will still be in the same office in the same desk, but my tasks have changed somewhat. I am very thankful I still h
ave a job, and am thankful I am still able to stay off my feet most of the day (because of my back). However, people with bipolar DO NOT LIKE CHANGE.I had my week planned down to a tee. I knew what I would be doing at what time every day, week after week, month upon month and year after year. I am the same way at home as well. Even my dogs know exactly what will happen when I walk in the door everyday. I raised my babies the same way. I nursed them when they wanted to eat, but otherwise we did everything else at the same time every day. Back then I didn’t know anything about bipolar, I just assumed I was anal. Now I realize why I was the way I was.
So now I have to change my schedule, and so far this week it has been horrible. I’m tense, my entire body aches, I was so ill yesterday (and for those of you NOT from the South,” ill” doesn’t mean I was sick, it means I was in the most horrible mood possible), that I wasn’t worth the lead it would have took to put me out of everybody’s misery.
I am sure that with time I will learn my new job, and I will get it all set up into a new comfy, cozy schedule. In the meantime, just don’t muck around with my emotions.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Obama and the Special Olympics
This is the letter I sent to our President today.
Being the grandmother of a very dear special olympian contestant each year, I Sir, am appalled at the mindset of a president of the United States who would consider that a joke which you said on a talk show this week.
My grandbaby was born BLIND and severely retarded due to his mother going through bone cancer and the treatments it involved during her pregnancy. She risked her life to help her son be born rather than abort her child, while you make fun of what he and millions of others are born into this world as.
He was not epected to live, then was not expected to walk or sit up or basically ever do anything, but you better believe through the love of his family he has grown and leanrs new ways everyday as well as participates in that Special Olympics each and every year.
You smeared a nation of people with that mindset that was behind that remark Sir, as someone who was supposed to be the big social change president, you took us back 100 years and that lost you alot of respect in millions of families across this land.
With all due respect Sir, from this grandmother who has watched this child and his family suffer, SHAME ON YOU!
I signed with my address/phone for any response he might like to send.
Being the grandmother of a very dear special olympian contestant each year, I Sir, am appalled at the mindset of a president of the United States who would consider that a joke which you said on a talk show this week.
My grandbaby was born BLIND and severely retarded due to his mother going through bone cancer and the treatments it involved during her pregnancy. She risked her life to help her son be born rather than abort her child, while you make fun of what he and millions of others are born into this world as.
He was not epected to live, then was not expected to walk or sit up or basically ever do anything, but you better believe through the love of his family he has grown and leanrs new ways everyday as well as participates in that Special Olympics each and every year.
You smeared a nation of people with that mindset that was behind that remark Sir, as someone who was supposed to be the big social change president, you took us back 100 years and that lost you alot of respect in millions of families across this land.
With all due respect Sir, from this grandmother who has watched this child and his family suffer, SHAME ON YOU!
I signed with my address/phone for any response he might like to send.
Empty Nests
It dawned on me today that my nest is empty forever more. My babies are 28 and 33, but this is “empty nest” thing is just now hitting me.
I was reading all about one of my favorite bloggers' recent vacation, and looking at her photos from that trip. Her descriptions of the trip take me back to our vacations when the kids were small, right down to the 30 mile traffic jam. The only difference is that she can tell the story much better than I could have.
I was a housewife for 19 of the years I was with them and their father. I never once felt I was wasting my time or letting life pass me by. When the baby hit 12 and didn’t seem to need me as much, then I felt kind of lost, but otherwise I knew I was where I should be.
I worried a lot. I was so sure I was screwing them up for life – sure they would wind up in therapy for their entire adult lives. I was never sure whether I was being too strict or not strict enough. I couldn’t decide when to let go a little. I worried that they would be embarrassed when they couldn’t wear the designer jeans, yet I knew the only way they would be able to is if I went to work.
I remember the sleepless nights when they were teething. Now, I can sleep as long as I want. I also remember the nights when they first started driving on their own…those nights were sleepless too until 10:00pm arrived. Soon, one of them will be teaching her own to drive.
I think about the colds that scared me, the stuffy noses, the braces, the broken bones and the swimming lessons. I miss them. Yeah they live up the road and I can see them, but I miss having them little, at home.
If I could do it again, I would worry less and laugh more. I would have bought that trampoline a couple of years earlier. I would have splurged and bought the designer jeans… at least one pair a year. I would look the other way when they grabbed cookies out of the cookie jar right before dinner.
I was reading all about one of my favorite bloggers' recent vacation, and looking at her photos from that trip. Her descriptions of the trip take me back to our vacations when the kids were small, right down to the 30 mile traffic jam. The only difference is that she can tell the story much better than I could have.
I was a housewife for 19 of the years I was with them and their father. I never once felt I was wasting my time or letting life pass me by. When the baby hit 12 and didn’t seem to need me as much, then I felt kind of lost, but otherwise I knew I was where I should be.
I worried a lot. I was so sure I was screwing them up for life – sure they would wind up in therapy for their entire adult lives. I was never sure whether I was being too strict or not strict enough. I couldn’t decide when to let go a little. I worried that they would be embarrassed when they couldn’t wear the designer jeans, yet I knew the only way they would be able to is if I went to work.
I remember the sleepless nights when they were teething. Now, I can sleep as long as I want. I also remember the nights when they first started driving on their own…those nights were sleepless too until 10:00pm arrived. Soon, one of them will be teaching her own to drive.
I think about the colds that scared me, the stuffy noses, the braces, the broken bones and the swimming lessons. I miss them. Yeah they live up the road and I can see them, but I miss having them little, at home.
If I could do it again, I would worry less and laugh more. I would have bought that trampoline a couple of years earlier. I would have splurged and bought the designer jeans… at least one pair a year. I would look the other way when they grabbed cookies out of the cookie jar right before dinner.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Days of our Lives
I have to tell you, I just have to. I have been hesitant to, but I refuse to let my fear stop me.
I am doing well these days. I am happy. I am finding joy in the little things that make up my life. I love my husband, sexless creature that he is. I love having that time on the weekends to bum around with him.
I love our little family, Thomas and Luke, Wilma and Fred, and all our other furry creatures. The rats and their cages that have to be cleaned often, the birds and their cages...ditto. The giant goldfish who has to have his water cleaned on a regular basis. Even the house that constantly throws crap around while we're at work every day, I like cleaning up.
My job I am so thankful for. It is a sitting job and with my back the way it is I could do no other kind. I have even learned not to panic when the boss is demanding something and I can't exactly put my fingers on what he wants. Heck, I've actually went out for lunch with the guys twice this month.
I will be getting my CWP soon and am on the lookout for a concealer purse for my Sigma 380. This weekend there are plans for husband and I to go out with friends from church. So far, I don't even feel worried about it.
My med cocktail has now been working for 3 years, a huge improvement over past varieties we have tried.
We had snow the other weekend. Not very common here. It was beautiful as you can see. Well...if you could see if BLOGGER were working correctly. Take my word for it it was very pretty!
Things are looking up. Thank you Jesus.
I am doing well these days. I am happy. I am finding joy in the little things that make up my life. I love my husband, sexless creature that he is. I love having that time on the weekends to bum around with him.
I love our little family, Thomas and Luke, Wilma and Fred, and all our other furry creatures. The rats and their cages that have to be cleaned often, the birds and their cages...ditto. The giant goldfish who has to have his water cleaned on a regular basis. Even the house that constantly throws crap around while we're at work every day, I like cleaning up.
My job I am so thankful for. It is a sitting job and with my back the way it is I could do no other kind. I have even learned not to panic when the boss is demanding something and I can't exactly put my fingers on what he wants. Heck, I've actually went out for lunch with the guys twice this month.
I will be getting my CWP soon and am on the lookout for a concealer purse for my Sigma 380. This weekend there are plans for husband and I to go out with friends from church. So far, I don't even feel worried about it.
My med cocktail has now been working for 3 years, a huge improvement over past varieties we have tried.
We had snow the other weekend. Not very common here. It was beautiful as you can see. Well...if you could see if BLOGGER were working correctly. Take my word for it it was very pretty!
Things are looking up. Thank you Jesus.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Virginity Lost Forever
I grew up in church all my life. If the doors were open, we were there. I was a deacons’ kid, DK for short. We were only a tiny bit less trouble than the PK’s.
My daddy was best friends all those years ago with another deacon. They’re still best friends to this day. Dad’s friend had a son. He was 5 years older than me.
One day, he talked me into going riding with him in his car. Wanting to look cool to this almost 19 year old I hopped right in. We didn’t drive far, up the road to a trailer park.
When we got out and went into the trailer, I started feeling really weird, scared even. He had another guy with him, an older guy. They started telling me they wanted to have sex with me. I thought they were just messing around, picking on the little kid. Then he started taking my shorts and my panties off and laid me back on the bed.
The bed looked nasty. There was no furniture in the room, just the bed. There were no sheets on the bed either. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to talk him out of it and he said if I didn’t he would take me up the road to the church where the deacons were meeting and take me into him and I’d get in trouble for going off in his car. So, fearing getting in trouble and taking a beating when I got home, I told him to go ahead.
He stands there pulling off his pants and his underwear. I had never seen a man in underwear before, not even my daddy. When he pulled those off I got really scared. I had never seen a dick in my life. All I could think was how big and ugly it was.
He got down on the bed and opened my legs and holding his thing started pushing it in me. He pushed and he pushed and it was hurting. After a few more tries, he jerked it away and told the other guy to come in and try that he can’t get his to go in.
This other man, who I had never seen before came in the room. He already had his thing pulled out and was pulling at it, getting it hard. I immediately noticed his wasn’t as big as the first guys.
He opened my legs and leaned down on the bed far enough to push it in me. He didn’t do it easy or anything, just rammed it in until my hymen broke then he just shoved it in and out until he came.
He stood up, pulled his pants up and went in the bathroom where I could hear him pee. He never said a word to me the entire time. No kissing, no fondling. I was no more than a receptacle for them. The two were laughing at how the first one couldn’t even get his to go in. I was scared to death he was going to come back in there and try again.
I dressed and they took me back to a back road in my neighborhood and let me out. They didn’t talk to me or anything.
On my walk home, I could feel large chunks of blood and tissue coming out of me. I was hurting down there and was afraid to go home in case mama were to notice I was walking funny while I was trying to keep the blood and stuff from leaking out of my panties. It hurt so bad when he pushed it in and it was still pretty sore.
I finally made it home and to the bathroom where I immediately sat on the toilet and hear chunks of tissue and blood falling into the water. When it stopped dripping, I got in the shower and washed. I felt so nasty. So dirty. I didn’t even know the mans name who did it.
I had just turned 13 ten days earlier. One of them was almost 19 and the other older than the first. I don’t know how much older, must have been at least 24 or 25.
I never told this. I was worried about all the blood and tissue coming out but I couldn’t ask. It has been a secret all these years. On Fathers Day I always go to church with my daddy to his church. Every time, I see him, the one who couldn’t get his to go in.
I hadn’t thought about all this in a long, long time until last week when it popped in my mind out of no where. I felt dirty all over again. Nasty. I lost my virginity to a complete stranger. I was barely 13 years old. I had only kissed a boy that summer for the first time. Until he put it in me, I wasn’t even really sure how sex worked.
I still feel dirty after 33 years.
My daddy was best friends all those years ago with another deacon. They’re still best friends to this day. Dad’s friend had a son. He was 5 years older than me.
One day, he talked me into going riding with him in his car. Wanting to look cool to this almost 19 year old I hopped right in. We didn’t drive far, up the road to a trailer park.
When we got out and went into the trailer, I started feeling really weird, scared even. He had another guy with him, an older guy. They started telling me they wanted to have sex with me. I thought they were just messing around, picking on the little kid. Then he started taking my shorts and my panties off and laid me back on the bed.
The bed looked nasty. There was no furniture in the room, just the bed. There were no sheets on the bed either. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to talk him out of it and he said if I didn’t he would take me up the road to the church where the deacons were meeting and take me into him and I’d get in trouble for going off in his car. So, fearing getting in trouble and taking a beating when I got home, I told him to go ahead.
He stands there pulling off his pants and his underwear. I had never seen a man in underwear before, not even my daddy. When he pulled those off I got really scared. I had never seen a dick in my life. All I could think was how big and ugly it was.
He got down on the bed and opened my legs and holding his thing started pushing it in me. He pushed and he pushed and it was hurting. After a few more tries, he jerked it away and told the other guy to come in and try that he can’t get his to go in.
This other man, who I had never seen before came in the room. He already had his thing pulled out and was pulling at it, getting it hard. I immediately noticed his wasn’t as big as the first guys.
He opened my legs and leaned down on the bed far enough to push it in me. He didn’t do it easy or anything, just rammed it in until my hymen broke then he just shoved it in and out until he came.
He stood up, pulled his pants up and went in the bathroom where I could hear him pee. He never said a word to me the entire time. No kissing, no fondling. I was no more than a receptacle for them. The two were laughing at how the first one couldn’t even get his to go in. I was scared to death he was going to come back in there and try again.
I dressed and they took me back to a back road in my neighborhood and let me out. They didn’t talk to me or anything.
On my walk home, I could feel large chunks of blood and tissue coming out of me. I was hurting down there and was afraid to go home in case mama were to notice I was walking funny while I was trying to keep the blood and stuff from leaking out of my panties. It hurt so bad when he pushed it in and it was still pretty sore.
I finally made it home and to the bathroom where I immediately sat on the toilet and hear chunks of tissue and blood falling into the water. When it stopped dripping, I got in the shower and washed. I felt so nasty. So dirty. I didn’t even know the mans name who did it.
I had just turned 13 ten days earlier. One of them was almost 19 and the other older than the first. I don’t know how much older, must have been at least 24 or 25.
I never told this. I was worried about all the blood and tissue coming out but I couldn’t ask. It has been a secret all these years. On Fathers Day I always go to church with my daddy to his church. Every time, I see him, the one who couldn’t get his to go in.
I hadn’t thought about all this in a long, long time until last week when it popped in my mind out of no where. I felt dirty all over again. Nasty. I lost my virginity to a complete stranger. I was barely 13 years old. I had only kissed a boy that summer for the first time. Until he put it in me, I wasn’t even really sure how sex worked.
I still feel dirty after 33 years.
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