Monday, December 31, 2007
It was one year ago today I had my last cigarette.
Although I may light up again tomorrow.
I have just come off a 2.5 day migraine.
I have 4 - 5 of these per year.
I survived another "Holiday Season".
Without eating a bullet.
I am bringing in yet another New Year alone.
He had to go to bed several hours ago.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
You can feel the burning in your throat as the air has been blocked from escaping. Your brain is becoming so muddled from the lack of oxygen that your vision is becoming blurred and the face above you is no longer even clear enough to know for sure if it is a friend who has turned on you or a foe to begin with.
All you know for sure, is that at this moment, you’d give anything to be freed from the entanglement in your mind.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Now for Stephen King fans, you know what I am talking about. For the rest of you, my baby, my first grandchild, started her period Saturday!
I cannot tell you why I feel the way I do, or even how I do feel. It touched me. I mean I squalled like a baby when she got on the phone to tell me about it. Cried again Saturday night when I saw her for our Christmas dinner.
I was the first person to hold this child. I was her mom’s Lamaze coach. I kept her the 1st 4 years of her life while her mom worked or was busy with my 2nd grandchild, sometimes for 3-4 days at a time when I could talk her mom into it.
Today, at 12, she is a 5’2 inch blonde.
And now…with her period.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The Cardboard Sign
The cardboard sign did not stand there on the sidewalk alone of its own accord, but the thousands of us who drove past it for three days in a row might as well have thought so.
He had been standing there most of the week, right at 5:oo, when people were leaving work and hurrying through the masses of people to get home. Brake lights and tires squealing and the blast of angry horns were what he experienced at that time of day.
The sign said, “Will work for food. Hungry”. Same kind of sign you can see in any big city any day of the week. Same faceless person holding it. The person you don’t look at. The person you really don’t want to catch your eye lest you feel like shit for not stopping and offering money.
I mean, who knows about these people? Do they really need food, or will they take your money and go buy their next cheap bottle with it? You work hard every day for your pay, why should you give it to someone who would rather bum off the sidewalk by preying on peoples conscience with their cardboard sign?
The third day he stood there was one of those days where it was all I could do to maintain control at work. For 9 hours I had bit my lip and forced myself to not breakdown. Once I was in my car however, once I was out of eyesight of the people I work with who see my mask everyday and think I have it all together, I finally burst like a damn after a torrential week of rain.
Part of my trip home I am literally fighting to see the road through the tears that I can no longer control. Tears expressing my frustration and my rage at having to live each day by convincing myself it is the right thing to do when in reality all I really want is to go to sleep and never wake up.
When I got to his intersection, there he was. I no doubt look 100 times worse than I feel, and I know my mascara has run down and smeared into the makeup on my cheek. Temporarily blinded by the pain deep in my soul, I looked at him. For that split second, I allowed our eyes to meet. The same eyes I had succeeded in avoiding every other day this week.
That faceless man, the one holding the cardboard sign, had a flicker of understanding on his face when he looked at me. I could see so plainly the change that so quickly came to his expression. He held his hand up to his forehead, as men in the old cowboy movies would do when they tip their hat at the women they passed in town. He held it there until I acknowledged the gesture by nodding my head at him.
That happened to me over a month ago. I cannot get out of my mind how that faceless man and I had a commonality that neither of us knew until that moment. It reminds me how much alike we all could be given different circumstances.
I have a steady job. I have never had to beg for money, or a meal. I’ve never had to stand on the sidewalk holding a cardboard sign saying I would work for food.
Ironically however, we both find ourselves in a big city, faceless, avoided & alone.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Charlie C Finn ~
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within me as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me, please. My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever-warying ever-concealing mask. Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation, and I know it.
That is if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. It's the only thing that liberates me, from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will see this and reject me. So I play the game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without, and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is really nothing. And nothing of what is everything, of what is crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I dislike hiding. Honestly. I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial, phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me, but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want, or need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and empathy, and your power to understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a co-creator of the person that is me if you choose to.
Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble. You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison. So do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me, the blinder I strike back. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope ... my only hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive. Who am I you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man and I am every woman you meet.
Charlie C Finn ~
Some days I think about my life in terms of each day…each 24 hour increment. The depression side of bipolar causes every minute in those days to be almost intolerable.
If I don’t stay totally busy, I mean non-stop activity of some sort, I start thinking about how long each day is when you’re just doing everything you can to hang on.
I begin to wonder how many more minutes I can convince myself that it matters if I stay.
Sometimes my mind goes so fast that I feel surely people can look at me and see my scalp wiggling, moving across my head as if it contains some trapped animal.
I believe that might be my brains way of not getting too close to the scariest question:
How much longer can I fight what seems to be the only ending to this story.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
If I run away, from what am I running. If I run away, what will people think. If I never return it won’t matter what they think. What if I run away and can never find a place to stop. What if I run and I run and I cannot find what I need.
If I run away alone, is that not what I am running away from? Alone. ALONE. AAAAAAALLLLLLLOOOOONNNNNNNNEE.
Where are you God? Where are you husband. Husband are you not supposed to be God’s physical touch here on earth towards me? I don’t feel either of you.
First the sex left.
Then the kisses left.
The hugs are fast on their way too.
Talking is almost gone.
I lay next to him and I stare at him as he sleeps. He looks like the sensual man who woooed me. His voice is the same, but someone has went inside and taken over because that’s not the man I fell in love with.I think I am on the verge of losing it and I don’t know how to stop it. I am afraid if they ever put me there in that place, that I’ll never get out; not the real me. I am afraid the part of me that is broken will never return and even though it is broken I still don’t want to lose a part of me do I?
My dad is still alive. So is my mom. My daughter and son of course and their babies. How long do I hang on to something that is so very painful in order to prevent other people from having pain? I’m tired. I’ve made too many dumb moves and had too many dumb moves done towards me to try to keep up the pace anymore.
I have somewhat of a plan.
I have the means.
Now all I need is the right timing.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
This was a response I read to a question a reader had asked this doctor on a website.
I had never before heard of passive suicidality. I have thought that way for years. My depression has never lifted 100% since I first began suffering with it. Even during my “good” times, I have always kept in my mind that if it ever gets too bad and I just cannot stand it any longer, I can “get out”.
I honestly never thought that this thinking pattern was abnormal.
Saturday, December 01, 2007