Monday, October 28, 2013

Three months ago I decided I needed to get off my psyche meds. I felt like I no longer knew who "I" was. I had no energy and between that and the constant pain, I had to do something or make some kind of change. I was on Seroquel (300mg), Prozac (20mg) and Nortriptyline (50mg).
(I had recently been on 400 mg Seroquel but we had dropped it to 300mg a few months ago.)

We started with the tapering of Seroquel. I was on 300 mg so my doc had me taper to 200 mg for one month, then 100 mg for one month, and this week is my first week off all of it completely. (In the midst of tapering the Seroquel, I realized one day I had not taken the Prozac for about 10 days. I had run out and forgot all about it since there were still other pills in my little pillbox. So I just never took it again. The doc is not going to like that since we were specifically wanting to do one at a time so we could catch changes and know to which drug to attribute it to. It was an accident however.)

When I dropped the Seroquel to 200, I couldn't tell any difference at all. None. When I dropped to 100 mg, I FELT IT! I have more energy than I have had in years. (So now I actually WANT to clean my house and yard but my pain level hasn't changed, lol ...thankful but frustrating to have the energy and the 'want to' but having to stop every few minutes to ease the pain makes it slow going.)

I love the energy. I love the "want to" that I have now. I have even started back thinking about writing again. I am cooking more complete, better balanced meals. There are a couple of negatives however...ANGER being one. I get so angry at the drop of a hat. The least little thing sets me off. The least little thing makes me want to scream at someone (I wouldn't). Driving has once again become a fighting sport (only verbally & from inside the car with my windows rolled up). I have apologized to my poor husband a million times in the last month. Things I had taught myself years ago not to fuss about all of a sudden get on my VERY LAST NERVE! And where he had become accustomed to not having to put things away when he was done with them, now all of a sudden in our clean house he better NOT lay something down and walk off.

Aside from the anger the only other negative (so far) is I CANNOT SLEEP!!! I was afraid of the depression bounding back. I never even considered something like anger coming back. (Is that the bipolar?)

On the one hand my house is cleaner than it has been in years. I'm talking closets; cabinets; drawers and bookshelves! I'm talking THROWING STUFF OUT!!!  On the other hand I am so mad I can't stand myself sometimes. Conundrum...Conundrum...Conundrum...

I believe I can learn to control the anger and lessen it somehow. I suppose I can work with the sleep problem and maybe stay up later and get up earlier rather than lay there trying to sleep when I can't. I'd rather deal with those two than go back to feeling like I did 2 months ago. I assume at some point I will need to attempt to deal with some depression (?). I mean I have been on medication for depression since 1992 and still had problems every 1.5 - 2 years requiring some adjustment or addition to the meds. I just know I HAD to try. I have to see who I am without the meds. I just have to.