Sunday, November 29, 2009

Deep and Dark

Its so dark. My body will only go in slow motion. I am crying 70% of my waking hours. I wake a million times a night. Hopelessness is all I see in front of me.

I cannot stand to talk; Idon't even feel "real" most of the time. Try and explain that to someone. Now I am supposed to go back to work Tuesday and I don't know how I can manage. I can't afford to lose my job. I've been there 10 years - just long enough to make decent money for someone with no education. Not to mention my day is at a desk so that is easy on my back.

I feel so helpless and hopeless.

I would never do it on my own, but God how I wish I could just die without embarrassing or hurting anyone.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


For now, I am doing okay.

My shrink put me out of work for 2 weeks in order to "Put out the fire" as he phrased it. As you can imagine my employer is not one bit happy about this even thought in 10 years I have never taken a leave. As a matter of fact, the first thing he asked when I called and told him was, "Can you do your work from home?"

The anxiety was constant and it was like one big long panic attack all day, not to mention I was crying all day long. Makes it hard to work with any semblance of someone who has any sense.

He said we couldn't really work on the depression much until we get the anxiety under control.

That's it for now. Happy Thanksgiving and for those of you for whom holidays are hard, I understand.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Black Holes

Once again I find myself in the black hole filled with severe depression and a feeling of anxiety that doesn't go away. It feels like my body is shaking from the inside out and my heart races and I sweat like a fiend. Kind of like having one long panic attack.

Doc can't seem to get the meds right this time. Pristiq is the latest and so far I'm just getting worse.

I have had real problems going to work everyday. When I get there the tears flow freely off and on all day long. The strong desire to stay home where I am in my own little safe world has been pulling at me for weeks now. The severe depression isn't helping much either.

I have missed more days the past 4 months than I have the entire 10 years I have been on my job. Not good. My employer feels depression is simply a case of pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with it. What he doesn't understand, (yet), is that I am having a very hard time concentrating on my work. I work with 14,000 manhours a week I have to properly pay and bill for. It is only a matter of time before I screw something up royally, then I guess he will understand...just before he hands me a pink slip. "Would you like fries with that?" could be the next phrase I'll be learning.

It isn't just the depression this time. I have having bouts of rage that come from nowhere. I've never been an angry person. Being angry scares me.

Needless to say they can't seem to find the proper cocktail of meds to pull me out of the black hole I find myself in....again. I have never been hospitalized, but I wonder if I shouldn't be right now.

This gets so very old and discouraging to think I have years of living this way before me. I don't even remember what "normal" feels like.