I had a rather strange day today.
I can't quite put my finger on it, but I felt, well, weird. I felt the past crawling up my shoulder trying to get in my face. Past that has been left in the past for a considerable length of time now.
I started having tears falling down my face, for seemingly no reason.
I have felt kind of bad physically for a while now. I seem to have started having some shortness of breath, and my back has been worse than usual. My ankles have started swelling, and that's something I haven't had to contend with until lately.
I feel distant from everyone, like I could go back inside myself again. Not leave my house.
I've started wondering why sex is always on my mind. Because I'm not getting any? It has to be more than that. If it was an orgasm I needed I could do that myself, probably quicker and stronger than those produced by someone else if you know what I mean.
Why do I feel so compelled to have sex? It is as if that is what proves someone loves me. I know my husband's testosterone level is in the ditch, so there is a perfectly good reason for him to have no desire. I still though, somewhere in my heart, need that to feel complete love from him.
I have also been terribly fatigued lately. It's just all I can do after work to get the zoo cleaned and fed and spend time with each animal. It's even hard to pray right now, to concentrate on my conversations with the Lord. Forget reading the Bible, all I can do is read the same verse over and over.
I hope and pray my meds aren't about to fizzle out. I've been through I don't know how many periods where they do and then it is hit and miss time all over again. Trying this one and that one and this combination or that combo. Those are very discouraging times for sure.
Usually when I walk in from work, my dogs can lift my spirits with all their greetings and kisses and bringing me toys. For two days that hasn't even helped.
I never miss work, but lately every morning I am checking out how I feel, trying to find a legitimate reason to call in.
I've hung on before and I'll hang on again but it sure gets harder every time.