The Black Dog of depression has returned with a vengeance.
Since 1992 I have been treated with anti-depressants. Since 1992, these medications will stop being effective somewhere between 1.5 to 3 years after beginning them. It never, ever gets easier.
This last time they were changed, Lamictal was added and it worked! I no longer had any imagination for writing or much else, but at least I was not awakening every morning only to regret it. It has been 2 years and 3 months. I probably started going down about 4-5 months ago, but like weight gain, when you see it every single day, you don’t notice it until something no longer fits.
Every time it happens, I hit absolute bottom before I realize I am there again. Every time, I tell myself I should have caught that I was going down hill, yet I never do.
I hate being like this. Every single time it happens I go through the same old storyline in my mind; if I were just stronger; if I just had more faith; if I would just pick myself up by my boot straps; all the ifs come washing back over me like a wave.
I pray that one day they will know what causes a brain to not work normally, and find a cure so that no more generations will have to live with the anguish that is my mind.