Friday, October 09, 2009

Black Dog’s Return

He’s back.

The Black Dog of depression has returned with a vengeance.

Since 1992 I have been treated with anti-depressants. Since 1992, these medications will stop being effective somewhere between 1.5 to 3 years after beginning them. It never, ever gets easier.

This last time they were changed, Lamictal was added and it worked! I no longer had any imagination for writing or much else, but at least I was not awakening every morning only to regret it. It has been 2 years and 3 months. I probably started going down about 4-5 months ago, but like weight gain, when you see it every single day, you don’t notice it until something no longer fits.

Every time it happens, I hit absolute bottom before I realize I am there again. Every time, I tell myself I should have caught that I was going down hill, yet I never do.

I hate being like this. Every single time it happens I go through the same old storyline in my mind; if I were just stronger; if I just had more faith; if I would just pick myself up by my boot straps; all the ifs come washing back over me like a wave.

I pray that one day they will know what causes a brain to not work normally, and find a cure so that no more generations will have to live with the anguish that is my mind.


Raine said...

I'll pray with you. I have the same stuff- nothing works for long........

Pteryxx said...

Depression rarely gets taken seriously in our culture. I want to shake every person who says "Just get over it"... How is it fair to demand that a person suffering from a disease that weakens willpower, use willpower to overcome it? Might as well tell us "just eat cake".

I hope you survive and recover, though all I can do is post some words on the Net to say someone is out here.