Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Virginity Lost Forever

I grew up in church all my life. If the doors were open, we were there. I was a deacons’ kid, DK for short. We were only a tiny bit less trouble than the PK’s.

My daddy was best friends all those years ago with another deacon. They’re still best friends to this day. Dad’s friend had a son. He was 5 years older than me.

One day, he talked me into going riding with him in his car. Wanting to look cool to this almost 19 year old I hopped right in. We didn’t drive far, up the road to a trailer park.

When we got out and went into the trailer, I started feeling really weird, scared even. He had another guy with him, an older guy. They started telling me they wanted to have sex with me. I thought they were just messing around, picking on the little kid. Then he started taking my shorts and my panties off and laid me back on the bed.

The bed looked nasty. There was no furniture in the room, just the bed. There were no sheets on the bed either. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to talk him out of it and he said if I didn’t he would take me up the road to the church where the deacons were meeting and take me into him and I’d get in trouble for going off in his car. So, fearing getting in trouble and taking a beating when I got home, I told him to go ahead.

He stands there pulling off his pants and his underwear. I had never seen a man in underwear before, not even my daddy. When he pulled those off I got really scared. I had never seen a dick in my life. All I could think was how big and ugly it was.

He got down on the bed and opened my legs and holding his thing started pushing it in me. He pushed and he pushed and it was hurting. After a few more tries, he jerked it away and told the other guy to come in and try that he can’t get his to go in.

This other man, who I had never seen before came in the room. He already had his thing pulled out and was pulling at it, getting it hard. I immediately noticed his wasn’t as big as the first guys.

He opened my legs and leaned down on the bed far enough to push it in me. He didn’t do it easy or anything, just rammed it in until my hymen broke then he just shoved it in and out until he came.

He stood up, pulled his pants up and went in the bathroom where I could hear him pee. He never said a word to me the entire time. No kissing, no fondling. I was no more than a receptacle for them. The two were laughing at how the first one couldn’t even get his to go in. I was scared to death he was going to come back in there and try again.

I dressed and they took me back to a back road in my neighborhood and let me out. They didn’t talk to me or anything.

On my walk home, I could feel large chunks of blood and tissue coming out of me. I was hurting down there and was afraid to go home in case mama were to notice I was walking funny while I was trying to keep the blood and stuff from leaking out of my panties. It hurt so bad when he pushed it in and it was still pretty sore.

I finally made it home and to the bathroom where I immediately sat on the toilet and hear chunks of tissue and blood falling into the water. When it stopped dripping, I got in the shower and washed. I felt so nasty. So dirty. I didn’t even know the mans name who did it.

I had just turned 13 ten days earlier. One of them was almost 19 and the other older than the first. I don’t know how much older, must have been at least 24 or 25.

I never told this. I was worried about all the blood and tissue coming out but I couldn’t ask. It has been a secret all these years. On Fathers Day I always go to church with my daddy to his church. Every time, I see him, the one who couldn’t get his to go in.

I hadn’t thought about all this in a long, long time until last week when it popped in my mind out of no where. I felt dirty all over again. Nasty. I lost my virginity to a complete stranger. I was barely 13 years old. I had only kissed a boy that summer for the first time. Until he put it in me, I wasn’t even really sure how sex worked.

I still feel dirty after 33 years.


Raine said...


Dream Mom said...

I am sorry for your pain. I would tell your father and I would say something to the man that did it to you. Telling him that he was wrong, that you still remember it and I'd even tell his father. Somehow, I think that would make me feel better. No child should have to go through that.

Sarah said...

I don't kow how things work in the south, but here in L.A. (CA) They all would have been taken into custody questioned, probably leading to a trial and probably, especially the older ones woul dhave been imprisoned. The trioal would have been painful for as they tried to make you look bad...but...They could not walk the streets freely to do it to other young girls. Maybe you would feel better and they would feel worse if you told some people, a few people, ore people and then have them tell some more people. They could then be shunned by society in what sounds like a somewhat small town you live around, and finally after all these years you may feel better and they may suffer from their cruel despicicable behavior.
I'm very sorry and no matter what anyone says, it's not your fault.

Anonymous said...

When I was in college I was trained to be an intake counselor at a local rape crisis center, and something I learned there is that it's NEVER too late to start healing the wounds left by sexual assault. We once had a lady in her 80s come in, she had gone through a similar experience to yours and had never told a single soul about it until the day she came to the center. I'm glad you are telling your story here and want to let you know that there are people who are trained to help you, no matter how long ago it happened. Good luck and God bless. You are not alone!