Wednesday, April 07, 2010

I haven't been doing this. I have thought about it and determined in my heart not to write unless I can say something positive. But tonight, I can't sleep or get in a position that doesn't hurt, so I'm gonna break my rule.......................... again.

Since I lost my job in January, I have felt so lost. I don't miss the drama and the stress, but the actual work I did, I miss that. I was good at what I did. I was virtually error free and whether or not that company appreciated it - I did a good job for them. I miss having a purpose; somewhere to get up and go to every day. ROUTINE!

I have tried to incorporate a routine into my new life. I still get up early. There is one positive on that; I can take my pain meds and sit for 20-30 minutes until they kick in. I couldn't do that when I was working because I didn't want to drive after taking them, I'd have to wait until I was at work to take them and by then the pain was intense.

Sometimes my mind will replay that afternoon when my boss took me in his office and said, "I have some bad news". As soon as he said that I knew what was coming. Ever since I went back from my "nervous breakdown" 4 weeks earlier, I felt they were trying to push me into quitting. Really, it was a relief. As much as I loved what I did, it was such a stressful atmosphere it was eating me alive. I've never done well around "yellers" or people who might go 8 hours and never speak to you.

I guess I've entered a new phase of my life. I don't like "new". Soon, maybe I won't see it as new.

I think back a lot. Too much. Some people have a drinking problem; I have a "thinking problem". I am aware of this and I am working on it. But I was thinking back trying to decide when it was I was really happy. I think I know was when I had children at home. As much as they got on my nerves sometimes, I miss when my kids were little, or at least when they were at home. My son still has nothing to do with me. It has been 10 years since I left his daddy and he still has not forgiven me. There is a difference now though - I can think about it and write about it and not break down. Maybe that is a self-protection just kind of become cold to the situation.

I think about my parents. They are getting old. I never thought that would happen. We were never close. They were always busy and working and trying to survive their own dramas of middle age and I just kind of grew up without them. Now, as they have gotten older, they want to have this parent-child relationship. I'm working on that. At first, it was kind of an artificial relationship, but now it is more real. I love them. I'm going to miss them terribly when they die. I'll miss them for what they are now, and I'll miss them for what should have been way back when.

My marriage is ... "different". He is super good to me. He has stood beside me through all this mental illness. He does whatever he can to make me happy and comfortable. If it were not for the big elephant in the room it would be an ideal marriage. That elephant though sits there - blocking that full, open, "safe" relationship. On my part anyway.

So this is where I stand today. Searching for whatever is missing. Whatever is keeping that all elusive "happy" that I know must be out there if I could just unravel the web that is my mind.