Thursday, April 16, 2009

Black Sheep and the I.C.U.

My daddy is really sick. Earlier this week he went to the emergency room with severe stomach pain and vomiting. After many hours lying there, they discovered he had a bowel obstruction.

When they did the surgery, they couldn’t get him off the vent right away. They also found he had aspiration pneumonia. He is running a fever. His lungs are just all crunky. They have him in ICU.

My sister and daddy’s wife have been up there with him the most. I live in the next county from them. It is harder for me to just up and leave my job to stay up there. I am getting very little bits and pieces of everything that is going on. When I was there this evening, his wife couldn’t even explain to me why they were talking about him going into rehab when he leaves the hospital. They found a heart murmur, but I can’t think of any reason that would require the rehab. The man though is 76 years old, could run circles around a lot of people my age. He goes to the gym several days a week, he does a his own yard work, he was highly healthy until this.

My sister has talked to the doctor several times but she will not for whatever reason call me and tell me shit. She is nine years older than I. She has never had anything to do with me, and I have tried to form a relationship with her for years and years.

We’re the only two siblings. I always felt I was the black sheep…I made the noticeable mistakes. She lives in a big fancy house, drives expensive cars, and takes trips across the country 4-5 times a year. She is the golden child. But I can't get a call from her telling me how OUR daddy is. She goes to Mexico with her church and helps all the poor children there, she takes care of little ole ladies from her church, yet she refuses to give me straight from the doctor to her information.

My daughter, who is 33, went today to visit her papa and my sister was there. Sister didn’t even talk to my daughter unless she asked her a question, then she would answer and that was it.

Our family was a really fucked one. Bad stuff. But during a time like this can she not share information with me? Would it kill her to talk to me long enough for that? She has a cushy job and can come and go as she pleases and it is a mile from the hospital so she is up there a lot whereas I have to be in my office when no one else is there which is a lot of the time, plus I am in the next county. Takes me over an hour to get to the hospital where he is.

The Black Sheep rule shouldn’t count when your parent could die.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Strange Day...

I had a rather strange day today.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I felt, well, weird. I felt the past crawling up my shoulder trying to get in my face. Past that has been left in the past for a considerable length of time now.

I started having tears falling down my face, for seemingly no reason.

I have felt kind of bad physically for a while now. I seem to have started having some shortness of breath, and my back has been worse than usual. My ankles have started swelling, and that's something I haven't had to contend with until lately.

I feel distant from everyone, like I could go back inside myself again. Not leave my house.

I've started wondering why sex is always on my mind. Because I'm not getting any? It has to be more than that. If it was an orgasm I needed I could do that myself, probably quicker and stronger than those produced by someone else if you know what I mean.

Why do I feel so compelled to have sex? It is as if that is what proves someone loves me. I know my husband's testosterone level is in the ditch, so there is a perfectly good reason for him to have no desire. I still though, somewhere in my heart, need that to feel complete love from him.

I have also been terribly fatigued lately. It's just all I can do after work to get the zoo cleaned and fed and spend time with each animal. It's even hard to pray right now, to concentrate on my conversations with the Lord. Forget reading the Bible, all I can do is read the same verse over and over.

I hope and pray my meds aren't about to fizzle out. I've been through I don't know how many periods where they do and then it is hit and miss time all over again. Trying this one and that one and this combination or that combo. Those are very discouraging times for sure.

Usually when I walk in from work, my dogs can lift my spirits with all their greetings and kisses and bringing me toys. For two days that hasn't even helped.

I never miss work, but lately every morning I am checking out how I feel, trying to find a legitimate reason to call in.

I've hung on before and I'll hang on again but it sure gets harder every time.