Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Free, One Terrific, Wonderful, Spectacular Dog

For you all, an update on the newest member of my pack.

Luke is now, according to the shelter and the vet (who both guessed), approximately 16 or so months old. He is a beautiful dog. Very loving. Solemn, huge brown eyes that can stare into yours forever.

He is very playful, obviously from a hunting breed. When he gets to chasing a small critter in the yard he has the most perfect tunnel vision you can imagine. He is very diligent at everything he does.

So far we have come home to find 3 remote controls in various small, chewed up pieces. We twice now, have come home from a 2 hour trip to church to find a brand new loaf of bread on the floor with about 24 slices MISSING.

Coasters no longer sit on our end tables. Trash cans sit on the porch these days. There is not a whole lot we can do about the wooden entertainment center the big TV sits on, but the bottom left corner is almost gone.

Poor brother Thomas no longer has free access to the entire house (including that nice big warm waterbed) that he had B.L. (before Luke). Now all Thomas has are the 3 rooms that I cannot find a way to close off or use a baby gate on.

If he figures out how to open the fridge, I'm not sure those big beautiful brown eyes will matter.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Dogs - Our Best Friends?

I’ve mentioned here before that I tend to stay away from news articles that I know will put a picture in my mind that I won’t be able to make go away. I have to do this, because, well…I get these horrible pictures in my mind and they won’t go away.

Today I just flipped onto my local news site and the first headline I see is,

Shelter's Mascot Dog Found Mutilated

Dog May Have Been Dragged To Death

I have always had a deep love and respect for animals. As I have grown older however, and I see something in the news like this, and I feel a red hot fiery rage inside me and then the tears start.

I cannot fathom, nor can I even begin to imagine, how any human being could intentionally hurt an animal. I know some people might say, “
Well someone who does this has probably been abused or had a horrible childhood”.

Well, BULL BUTTER! I experienced anger and rage and abuse for a lot of years, but I could never think of, and put into action, some train of thought that would allow me to abuse an animal, and I DON’T use the term “Never” lightly.

I don’t know if it is Biblical or not, and don’t care to know for sure until I can see for myself (at which time it won’t matter), but I like to believe that when animals die they too will go to Heaven.

The Bible talks about how happy we will be and how there will be no tears there. God gave a lot of us a very special heart for animals and I cannot imagine Him not having that huge part of our lives waiting for us in Heaven.

I like to think that when this poor baby passed on, he was greeted by my canine babies and others who went on before him.

I choose to believe when they welcomed him in, they hugged him tight in that special way dogs have. I believe they sniffed his butt and licked his face then I think they took him to see Jesus.

After his hugs from Jesus, I believe all his new friends took him out to the big back yard where there was clean fresh running water and food that never ran out. Then they introduced him to all the humans who hung around all day for no other reason than to scratch his belly and pat his head & give him doggy kisses by the dozens. I believe then as they got ready to settle down for one of their many afternoon naps, they showed him where they keep the treats you don’t have to beg for.

I ache that I cannot hug him and tell him how sorry I am that one of my own did this horrible thing to him.

Treat him special Flopsy and Lady. He deserves it.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Well Shit, Why Didn't I Think of That!?!

Simple ways to get rid of depression!
Stuff we've all heard before.

Click * Here

Some people are so past stupid.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Impossible Questions

My heart is breaking. My shrink says I need to get friends and relatives to stand behind me and to support me right now. (Not financially, but emotionally.) My world isn’t like that. I don’t have anyone like that.

She said she doesn’t believe the counseling is going to change anything in my marriage. She believes it is I who must decide if I am going to be content to live in a brother-sister relationship. She asked me if I like him and enjoy his friendship enough for that to be a reason to stay. She asked me evidently what she thought were several key questions and I guess my answers said to her I will be the one to make this decision.

I am not good at decisions. I can do business decisions well. I can make decisions at work well. I was a good decision maker when under extreme pressure as a cop, but emotional/relationship decisions I have never learned to do. I don’t trust my judgment in those situations.

If I ended this marriage I am afraid I would be consumed with guilt. He is nice. He is very sweet. Very laid back. He has some health issues, some financial woes. I don't know he could make it off one income.

I don’t know who I am. I have always been someone’s mom or someone’s wife. I lived with my parents until I was 15, then with my 1st husband for 24 years then I was alone for 5 months before this one moved in. I've never been alone.

I've never. met. me.
For the source of the picture used above right click on it.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

When the Black Dog is Nipping at Your Ass...Again

It is a sick, sore feeling in the pit of your stomach. Not quite nausea, and still experiencing hunger at appropriate times, but not really wanting to eat.

It is a feeling of such weight in your arms and your legs, sometimes just your entire body. Like these body parts will only hold you up a short period of time longer.

It is noticing you haven’t take a deep breath in an hour or more, not since you began staring at the white spot on your computer screen some time ago.

It is realizing you are almost ½ way to work and don’t remember passing any landmarks or going through any traffic lights.


Ohhhhhhhh we're off to see the shrinkette, the

wonderful shrinkette of ozzzzzz.

The marriage counselor wants to see me alone this time.
Sighhhhhhhhhhh. I hope she's not gonna tell me I am
weird for being upset about the no sex thing.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Wedding Anniversary & Dust Bunnies

He didn’t remember our 8th wedding anniversary Saturday, but I got a whole lot of house cleaning done.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Lost in Life...and Town

It amazes me how one day I can be almost “highly” normal and within hours feel there is absolutely no reason to continue living.

Yesterday, for the first time in 5+ years, I went to one of our district offices to teach a class to a roomful of supervisors. It went very well. The first 10 minutes or so my shaking was very obvious as I held up the forms I was showing the class, but I was eventually able to stop it.

For weeks I had worried about this class. I had to drive to another city where I am totally unfamiliar with the area. That for one is not something I do well. Then I had the thoughts of actually standing up there instructing the class. I had some serious stomach issues for several days right before the event.

There were 22 supervisors there plus their manager. I used to teach one hour classes in our field all the time, but I haven’t been able to do that in so long because of the extreme anxiety that entered my world a few years ago. Yesterday, however, I taught for exactly one hour and the time flew by. I didn’t hurl nor did I pee on myself. I was so much braver than I thought I would be.

I still could have talked on and on, but the aroma of fresh bar-b-q was taking control of the minds in the room. I was invited to hang around for lunch, but I knew I had reached the limit of my “brave” for one day.

Then there was the trip home. I found my car okay. I had parked on the 3rd floor of a parking deck. What I had not noticed when I parked was that the exit was not near the entrance. When I drove out I was on a different road than when I went in!

That is about all it takes to panic me. I am sitting in the driveway trying to decide which way I should go when I notice a sign pointing to the right and saying ONE WAY. Immediately my decision was made for me.

Needless to say after about 40 minutes of “lost” time, I found my way back here. I was feeling rather proud of myself except for the “lost” part, and began to wonder if I could after all speak in some churches concerning the stigma of mental health, like I feel led to do.

I go through this natural high the remainder of the day at work, and even on my way home. By night however, my mind is back on my marriage and how it seems to be not changing for the better.

By bedtime my mind will not turn off. I lay there and imagine being in a marriage the rest of my life where my husband does not feel passionately about me. Where it seems so not right. I picture my brain like the sun as it circles around the moon (I hope that’s right – I really don’t remember some of that stuff) constantly turning, slow but steady, and for a while there is the good time of the day and then comes the bad time of the day except there doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason as to what turns certain areas on or off.

I am looking forward to going back to the counselor next week. I truly want to fix me. I so want to be normal.

By the way, I am teaching another group of supervisors in two week!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Marriage Counseling Part Deaux (?)

Ahhh... I just had to tell everyone the counseling went better than I expected.

Most of you know I don't mince words. I am not one to stick my head in the sand and pretend a problem is not there. I would rather have a big blow up, get some feelings hurt if necessary (yes, even mine) and settle something once and for all that to avoid at all costs a fight only to have things fester and pop up like an angry zit later.

Well, at counseling that is the attitude I went in with. I just told the lady that I had given up on trying to change my husband and at this point I need help in learning to let go of the anger and resentment that has built up over the last 6 years.

My husband, being the stable, sweet, nice person that he is sat there very calmly while I ranted and raged and sobbed until I had the hiccups. Needless to say there was lots of snot slinging and tear flowing going on. Ever the thoughtful person he, unrolled all 6'5" of himself out of her couch and walks to the desk to get me a box of kleenex. I guess he was afraid I'd use my sleeve.

All in all, it went well. I had some major problems of my own pointed out to me. One of them was the anger and the silence. I tried to cop out by pointint out I didn't turn into a bitch until AFTER he stopped having sex, but you know....being an adult and all I just sucked it up and told myself regardles it still has to be fixed.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I love the big ole baffoon. He loves me. I guess you just have to make your choices and choose your priorities stick to them. I'll keep you updated.

On another note....

I was contacted recently and invited to be a part of Wellsphere health blogger community. I gratefully accepted the invitation in the hopes that one of my whiny, depressing posts that I have written will help other people who suffer from Major Depression maybe not feel so alone in their fight.

Wellsphere is not only about mental health though, it has tons of information on other health related issues, such as healthy eating and exercise and memory retention, just to name a few. It is a community type networking website where you can find advice, answers, tips, blogs, friends, motivation, inspiration and support from all over, or from people in your local area, from other bloggers like you and me.

Not sure about you, but I can take all the help I can get. Some of the bloggers I found 4 or so years ago when I discovered blogging have helped me get through some of my deepest darkest "places".

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Marriage Counseling

My belly is in knots. I am shaking more than usual. I actually feel naseaus.

"He" and I begin marital counseling tomorrow. I don't know what there is left to say. We've beat a dead horse for 6 years now. On the one hand I want to think it is going to turn things around for us; on the other hand, I sure hate getting my hopes up again.

I read soemthings yesterday that I found on letting go of resentment and anger. I am ready to let these things go. I have felt them and smoked them and ate them and slept with them and nursed them for years and they are consuming me. If you look at it this way, basically, by my being consumed by my anger he has won twice.

I think I am prepared for this all to go either way. Maybe apart is what we need for a while. Financially I don't know how we will do it, but we can I guess. Then I wonder, "Well what if he meets someone else. Will I die? Will that kill me?"

I guess it wont kill me, since I have not been treated like a wife anyway. More like good friends or brother and sister is how we've lived for years now.

I never know how to act in a counselors office. This subject, when it comes up, can become highly combustible. I hope she doesn't get offended at the S*** word or the WTF phrase. I hope I don't hurl.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Psychiatric Patient Dies on Hospital Floor

God forgive us because surely, we don’t know, what we do.

The 49-year-old psychiatric patient laid unattended on the floor at Kings County Hospital for almost an hour before a nurse kicked her to see if she would respond…

Had she been a 49 year old “cardiac” patient would she have laid there?

During that time, two hospital security guards apparently saw her but didn't do anything to help. The first walked by and the second didn't rise from his chair until about 10 minutes later.
The tape shows a doctor walking by as well. He apparently looked at the woman but kept on going.

Had she been a 49 year old “maternity” patient would she have laid there?

The Brooklyn woman died on the floor, but not right away. The tape showed that she moved her legs and even rolled to her side, trying to get up.

Had she been me, or your mother, or your daughter, would she have laid there?

While the videotape showed that she was the floor at 6 a.m., the New York Civil Liberties Union said hospital records were filed stating that she was "awake, up and alert" at that very time.

God forgive us because surely, we know full well what we do.

I too am a psychiatric patient. I have, up to this point in my life, been able to hang on and hold it together enough NOT to have to visit an ER, but if I ever do have to go, even if I completely “lose it” and show my ass, I still won’t deserve this. No one does.

I pray that I never become so cold that I could have walked on.