Friday, December 26, 2008
I thought for sure I had it all together this year. If you look at my past Christmas time posts, you will see holidays have not been a good time for me for several years, but this year I thought everything was hunkey-dorey.
I willingly participated in looking for a tree, I sang while decorating the house with little ornaments here and there, I even bought all the ingredients to make the goodies I used to make back before depression became a major issue in my life.
Maybe it was still progress that I actually got into it beforehand, regardless of the monster who woke Christmas morning as me? I mean, in the past few years I haven’t gotten into it at all…none…nada.
I cannot put my finger on any one thing yesterday. I was not thinking about any of the sad stuff. I was reminding myself how joyous a time this is. I’ve not been watching the news now for a couple of weeks (periodically I have to stop watching and reading the news because of my tendency toward gloom and doom when the chemicals in my brain are misbehaving). I did not have any blown up expectations of the day (I don’t think I did anyway), but, somehow the DAY ITSELF came along and just wiped me right off my feet.
Uninvited tears were the menu for the day. No appetite for the wonderful Christmas cooking Great Husband had prepared (but yes I forced it down and acted happy about it). I slept a lot, feeling worse every time I awakened.
I am okay this morning, back at work. The tears won’t stop, but so far I have been successful at keeping them hidden.
I’m trying really hard not to let this bother me. I know my illness comes and goes without any kind of warning. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason as to when it will rear its ugly head, or why or for how long.
I am thankful suicide never once entered my mind. Not one time. That in itself is a blessing for Christmas.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Three years ago today, Christmas Eve, I was getting ready to go to work and found my cat was sick. He had not been long had surgery for bladder stones so when I found him sick again I was afraid they were back. We had almost lost him the first time.
I hurry and get dressed and go to find a vet that was open that early. I finally find one and he says Sebe is running a fever but he doesn’t believe he has developed any more stones. He gives him an antibiotic and sends us on our way.
I am already late for work at this point, and I still have to run Sebe home. Meanwhile, I am on a side of town I am not familiar with. I come to this huge intersection and turn left when the light turns green. I immediately hear sirens behind me and look in my mirror to see the flashing blue lights.
I KNEW I wasn’t speeding and could not imagine why I was being pulled over. Turns out I had turned from the wrong lane. The trooper was really nasty when he approached my window and demanded to know why I was distracted and turning from the wrong lane.
I explained to him I had just took my cat to the vet and was on my way to take him home and get to work and was not familiar with the area. He proceeds to write me a 4 point ticket.
I am 48 years old and have never gotten a ticket before this. Never.
Christmas Eve... 2008…guess what happens this morning on my way to work? Yep, on my way to work this morning, COMPLETE with red Santa hat, I got pulled over AGAIN. Seems my registration sticker has somehow found its way off my tag.
This trooper was very sweet. He had already called in my tag so he knew I had paid my taxes and registration fees, so he gave me a warning and wish me a Merry Christmas.
What is it about Christmas Eve and me? Do I look like a potential Santa kidnapper? Do I look like the Grinch who stole Christmas?
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
I was married to their daddy for 24 years. During our divorce, his daddy told him many lies, some truths, and in general just things he did not need to know. But, he was out to hurt me in any way he could and he managed to succeed, in the worst possible way.
I hid things from our children all their lives, such as their daddy using me for a punching bag. I never told them he watched the mileage on my car to see if I had went where I said I was going. They never knew he marked our dirt and gravel driveway to see if anyone came or left while he was at work. In general I tried to keep their little lives calm and without drama. I grew up in abuse and drama and I tried to hide that ugly facet of life from them.
Christmas has been HORRIBLE for me since 1999. It was all I could do those first couple of years to sleep through the entire season. I detested walking into a store and hearing Christmas music. The commercials on television with all the happy families with their colorful gifts and the fires in their fireplaces by their Christmas tree would provoke a panic attack out of the blue. Never was I more suicidal than the months of November and December.
It’s been 9 years now. He still won’t have anything to do with me. He still will not answer letters or emails. I don’t even try to call him on the phone anymore. Mothers Day comes and goes, as does my birthday. But this Christmas, I seem to be better.
I have actively helped Wise Husband find a fitting tree. I have bought all the ingredients for the goodies I used to cook at Christmas time. I catch myself humming along to the Holly Jolly Christmas songs.
It is sad that this means I have accepted the loss of my son, and it seems cold to admit that, but it is healthy that I can now say his name without breaking into tears.
Merry Christmas…at least for the next 10 days !!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Yesterday, one that I read on a regular basis, sounded very much like the writer was in a “bad way”. It spoke of suicide in no uncertain terms.
Over the past few years I have been blogging, there was a really bad time where my depression was not under control. I could not see a way out and the future to me looked like more suffering than I was able to handle.
I didn’t hesitate to write about my feelings during that period. It was a good way for me to get the thoughts in my head out in the open. I am not a social butterfly and don't talk to people much - other than my husband. It was healthy for me to be able to "say" these things to that someone who was out there in internet world reading.
During that period, I had some really awesome people write to me through email and through my comment section some very encouraging words. Those people who bothered to communicate to me during those times will never know how much they helped me.
So, yesterday when I read this Suicide is Painless post, I ignored this bloggers request not to comment. She put in the post that comments were turned off. So, I just went to the prior post and commented to her anyway. I told her some of the kind things that people had said to me when I was at my worst and basically asked her to please promise to hold out through the holidays and reminded her that when we feel suicidal it is our brains lying to us.
Today, this blogger has put a rather testy note on her blog that she didn’t appreciate my going to another post to comment.
I’m torn…I didn’t mean to make her angry. I KNOW how hard the holidays are for people like me who deal with depression. If she was truly feeling suicidal I didn’t feel I could just go on to the next on my list of blogs to read without saying something to her.
Was I wrong to comment after she had specifically said not to? Should I have just ignored what sounded to me like someone with suicide in their mind?
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Phew. I survived.
Whatever the stomach virus is that is going around nearly kicked this ole gals butt.
Ten days (yep – that says 10) of pure agony. Horrible cramping, I’m talking cramping worthy of a hot water bottle and when that wasn’t enough a heating pad. Non-stop diarrhea, vomiting, off and on fever, ugh!
The diarrhea is still hanging around, but it isn’t as often or as bad as it was.
The last Saturday night of it all, I came THISCLOSE to going to the emergency room. I was convinced I was dying. I know I was dehydrated, and I was so thirsty and I was drinking but I was spewing from both ends so much I could not decide whether to sit on the toilet or hurl into it.
Rather than go to the ER and be thought of as wasting their time on a non-emergency situation, I called my family doctor and asked would he please call me in some Phenergan suppositories for the vomiting. No dice. He did suggest I go to the ER if I felt like it tho. That my dear ER readers is one reason you see so much unnecessary traffic through your hallowed halls.
I thought it was very sucky of him to refuse. I have never once called him after hours. I see him on a regular basis for all my medical needs including my yearly physicals so it is not as if he didn’t know me or something. Personally, I think he needs to take off his panties and put on some big boy pants and not be so paranoid. What’cha want to bet I’ll be charged for the phone call….?
My only saving grace was that all this occurred over two weekends and the Thanksgiving holidays so I only missed a day and a half of work. Of course being the weekend and Thanksgiving holidays was also the reason I couldn't get into the doctors office.