My belly is in knots. I am shaking more than usual. I actually feel naseaus.
"He" and I begin marital counseling tomorrow. I don't know what there is left to say. We've beat a dead horse for 6 years now. On the one hand I want to think it is going to turn things around for us; on the other hand, I sure hate getting my hopes up again.
I read soemthings yesterday that I found on letting go of resentment and anger. I am ready to let these things go. I have felt them and smoked them and ate them and slept with them and nursed them for years and they are consuming me. If you look at it this way, basically, by my being consumed by my anger he has won twice.
I think I am prepared for this all to go either way. Maybe apart is what we need for a while. Financially I don't know how we will do it, but we can I guess. Then I wonder, "Well what if he meets someone else. Will I die? Will that kill me?"
I guess it wont kill me, since I have not been treated like a wife anyway. More like good friends or brother and sister is how we've lived for years now.
I never know how to act in a counselors office. This subject, when it comes up, can become highly combustible. I hope she doesn't get offended at the S*** word or the WTF phrase. I hope I don't hurl.