Friday, November 16, 2007

CPAP, Tears and Abstinence

No the title doesn’t mean a thing, but it is late and my brain is on low beam after a most hellish week at work.

When I was a kid, I had several report cards that came home with teachers notes stating that, “SIMD does not take constructive criticism well”. Well no shit! Criticism at my house generally came with a hair brush across the face or a belt across the back.

I guess at my ripe old age of 47, I still have a rather negative view of Constructive Criticism, because were it not for the good ole Lamictal, I think I might have ripped my boss’ head off today and throw in out in the pond in front of our office. Instead what did I do? I cried. Prick! First time that has happened at work since the doc put me on Lamictal. Moral of the story - Either learn to handle Constructive Criticism, or hope you look good in an orange jumpsuit because if you DO rip your boss' head off you'll probably wind up in the pokey.

I wear a CPAP to sleep most every night. It took me a long, long time to get accustomed to the thing and be able to sleep with it, but now it doesn’t bother me. Some nights though, I will awaken to this gosh-awful sound and it takes me a minute to figure out where I am and that it is my dumb ass making the noise.

What happens is, every once in a while the mask (it is a full face mask) will slip and become lodged between my lips and at 12 PMI it is quite a sound. My dog used to jump off the bed when he heard it but he has gotten used to it now. My husband wouldn’t wake up if you stuck a stick of dynamite in his ear and lit the fuse. Moral of the story, if you’re told you need to use a CPAP at night, keep trying, you’ll get used to it and it will help you feel better, not to mention live longer.

As far as the abstinence…same old stale story. I guess it has been about a year now (and no it started WELL before the CPAP came in to the picture) since there has been any action in our bedroom. Been together approximately 8-9 months when he told me he “just didn’t have any desire” any longer.

I didn’t believe it was a forever thing. I fought it and I talked (begged) and suggested (demanded) counseling. I bought books and negligees and toys and threatened and did everything but present a firm ultimatum (meaning I did present one a few weeks ago but when nothing changed I didn’t ACTUALLY ask him to leave). It is only in the past year or so that I have come to understand we can either remain together and live in abstinence, or we can separate/divorce.

This is my second marriage. The first one was over 24 years. Well over half my life had included sex on a regular basis and this is very strange for me, and very sad. Moral of the story, sometimes life don't turn out like you expected and it hurts just like a real kick in the ass.

Time to go now, put on my CPAP, and pray I don’t have a sex dream…those are the worst.

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