Monday, November 19, 2007

I am not afraid

11/19/2007 11:40 PM

In 11 hours I will be finding out something about this thing on my ovary. I’m wound up tighter than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I’ve been tense, have had a lack of concentration and had stomach problems since the last ultrasound.

A million times I have stated “I am not afraid”. I’m not sure anymore if this is just anxiety over not knowing, or if somewhere within me I am terribly afraid. I wish I wasn’t going alone, a hand to hold, a whisper in my ear, but I want to go alone. I am tough. I am strong. I can handle anything alone. In other words if someone forced themselves upon me to go with me, I would be secretly relieved, but I don’t want to ask.

The worst part, they very worst part, if it is still there or if it as grown, they still won’t know what it is until they cut into me whenever that might be. If it has grown it definitely has a good shot at being cancer since I have cycled twice since they found it.

I am not afraid…I am not afraid…I am not afraid

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