Scramblings of a former housewife on the here, the now and the dreams allowed to slip by, and why, sometimes, it just doesn't matter.
Monday, November 19, 2007
I am not afraid
In 11 hours I will be finding out something about this thing on my ovary. I’m wound up tighter than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I’ve been tense, have had a lack of concentration and had stomach problems since the last ultrasound.
A million times I have stated “I am not afraid”. I’m not sure anymore if this is just anxiety over not knowing, or if somewhere within me I am terribly afraid. I wish I wasn’t going alone, a hand to hold, a whisper in my ear, but I want to go alone. I am tough. I am strong. I can handle anything alone. In other words if someone forced themselves upon me to go with me, I would be secretly relieved, but I don’t want to ask.
The worst part, they very worst part, if it is still there or if it as grown, they still won’t know what it is until they cut into me whenever that might be. If it has grown it definitely has a good shot at being cancer since I have cycled twice since they found it.
By clicking onto my website, you have agreed to be my shrink for the next few minutes while you surf.There is no couch, but please feel free to take notes. Oh, and there is coffee over on the counter.Leave your bill with my secretary as you go.