Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Black Holes

Once again I find myself in the black hole filled with severe depression and a feeling of anxiety that doesn't go away. It feels like my body is shaking from the inside out and my heart races and I sweat like a fiend. Kind of like having one long panic attack.

Doc can't seem to get the meds right this time. Pristiq is the latest and so far I'm just getting worse.

I have had real problems going to work everyday. When I get there the tears flow freely off and on all day long. The strong desire to stay home where I am in my own little safe world has been pulling at me for weeks now. The severe depression isn't helping much either.

I have missed more days the past 4 months than I have the entire 10 years I have been on my job. Not good. My employer feels depression is simply a case of pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with it. What he doesn't understand, (yet), is that I am having a very hard time concentrating on my work. I work with 14,000 manhours a week I have to properly pay and bill for. It is only a matter of time before I screw something up royally, then I guess he will understand...just before he hands me a pink slip. "Would you like fries with that?" could be the next phrase I'll be learning.

It isn't just the depression this time. I have having bouts of rage that come from nowhere. I've never been an angry person. Being angry scares me.

Needless to say they can't seem to find the proper cocktail of meds to pull me out of the black hole I find myself in....again. I have never been hospitalized, but I wonder if I shouldn't be right now.

This gets so very old and discouraging to think I have years of living this way before me. I don't even remember what "normal" feels like.


Raine said...

I hope it gets better for you. I'm on risperdal and it seems to be helping, but only time will tell if its real or if its just part of the cycle. I've been trying to get meds right for ten years more or less and it would be nice if it would finally happen. I will wish that for both of us.

Raine said...

How are you doing?