Monday, October 20, 2008

Heaven Sounds So Good

So empty inside is how I feel. Blank. Like a zero. Like all there is, is an empty space where a sea full of tears are sitting, waiting their turn.

I try praying and I don’t feel anything that would lead me to believe He is listening. The last few weeks, I KNEW He was there. I felt His presence. Now nothing.

I have had several good weeks. I mean busy, good, happy (mostly) weeks. Out of the blue, like being hit by a semi, this comes again.

I know it will pass, I KNOW that. I’ve been living it my entire life, but I STILL don’t see it coming until it knocks the shit out of me.

I am not actively suicidal, but I prayed this morning (to what seemed like an empty sky) that God would take me on to Heaven. The thoughts of being like this for 20 – 30 more years is so exhausting.

Now I sit here at work, trying desperately not to cry, and of course it doesn’t work.


Rob said...

I didn't say it in my post, but having faith does not exclude doubt. The person who hangs on despite the doubt is the one with the greater faith than the one who never questions.

Raine said...

I have so many times when I am sure he isnt there, but I go ahead and pray anyway...........just in case......