Sunday, June 22, 2008

Bitter, Angry & Lonesome

I have felt rather numb today. It has been a very long day.

Every weekend seems long to me. We went and picked up a few things from the grocery store this morning, came home and had lunch and he has pretty much been asleep since.

Finally we went to bed. I felt alone there. So here I sit. My ideal sleeping arrangements have always been nude and spooning someone. That’s what I did in my 1st marriage for 24 years. This one has no interest in spooning, and I don’t like to be naked in front of him.

I wish I could get in his head. I wish I could know why the sex stopped. I only began gaining some weight (and I wasn’t little when he met me) AFTER he stopped initiating sex. Besides, he has gained a lot too and I still want him. I never thought either of us were shallow that way.

This whole thing is the reason why I can’t sleep nude the way I did all my life. I am ashamed of the wrinkles and the rolls. I have spent 30 some odd years being ashamed of me. Hating who I am and trying to hide myself as much as possible. I despise sleeping with clothing on because it makes me feel constrained yet I do because I don’t want to subject him to my fat rolls and my sagging boobs.

At 47 I am coming to terms with living a life where I am never again going to be touched in a womanly way. Never playing grabb-ass again. No more hugs where the hands go down my waist to caress my bottom.

During the week we’re only really together after we get off work and that only leaves a little while before we go to bed, so I can handle weekdays. Oh but the weekends. I am in the house with him for 2 days.

My sadness with our situation is never more than a hairs breadth from my mind, yet he can go right on as if we‘re the happiest couple in the world. He has not touched me in almost 2.5 years. Before you ask, “Have you told him how much this hurts you?” Yes. Loudly and clearly many times over these 5 years I have told him. I dragged him to a shrink with me and after one visit he said, “I think that helped. I don’t think we need to go back.”

I am 47 years old. My self esteem wasn’t one you would be proud of to begin with, but when I think how my husband of only 5 years doesn’t want me, that’s a tremendously hard slap across my face. There was no sign what-so-ever that he felt this way. He moved in and those first weeks it was hot and heavy on a daily basis. About the 8-9th month, it all went away.

A year ago we even discussed divorce. He never once put up a fight. All he would say was if that is what you want to do then I don’t blame you. Never once tried to talk me out of it. He won’t even try to get back in the habit.

That’s what the books and the shrinks suggest; just do it and the feeling will come back. Yes we have been to doctors as well. It boils down to, for whatever reason he has no interest in sex and evidently my sex life ended as well without anyone even asking me.

I am 47, beginning to go through the peri-menopausal stage, and horney as hell most of the time.

My first husband went through periods where he used me for a punching bag. That hurt, yeah, but this hurts just as bad. To not be wanted. To feel so ugly that he won’t even have sex with me. He swears it has nothing to do with me, but who can believe that? Where there is no real explanation what is one supposed to think. Most women would think the same way I do.

I hate what all this has done to me. I have become a bitter, angry person. I don’t look at him and see love and peace and home. I see someone who got stuck with me and really doesn’t want to be here but for whatever reason won’t leave.

I’m married so I can’t date and go out and just forget things for a while, but I can’t get any kind of relationship like that at home either. Hopelessness – it adds to my feelings of hopelessness.


Anonymous said...

A man ALWAYS wants sex. If not, then there is a problem (as you already know unfortunately). Make sure there is not somebody else. If he truly loves you and there is not another, you should see if he is willing to be evaluated by a medical doctor. Check things like testosterone levels, etc. Also, is he on any medications which might make his libido go south? I wish you the best.

Raine said...

This post is hard for me to read and respond to. When mine started "losing interest" and I talked to him about it - he said it wasnt me, he was too tired. He actually went to the doctor and got antidepressants and got more tired and quit taking them. I got discouraged and frustrated and sometimes would think things like , I am fat and ugly and he doesnt want me etc etc. Sometimes I would worry. Turned out he was dying of cancer. It had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with "another woman". I'm not saying this is the situation. I am saying that a man will sometimes let you believe anything other than he just cant.

Waitress4Life said...

First of all, I don't agree with Anonymous. There are other issues that can sometimes lead a man to not want sex. And they may not be other women.
But the point it, they are HIS issues. This may be hard to hear, but you actually may not be able to FIX him. It may be something he is going through on his own.
My suggestion (and I know it's easier to suggest than to do...) Focus on yourself. Sleep naked again, not for him - FOR YOU! Start yoga, or walking - not to loose weight - to boost your mood. Believe me - it works!
Take the focus off him and put it on yourself.
I hope this helps a bit.
Good Luck