Tuesday, January 22, 2008

My Purse, My Mask & My Sanity

I’m wearing the mask today. It’s tight and it makes me sweat and the plastic crinkles with every movement, but I have to wear it. Without it I would appear unprofessional and uncouth. I would seem to be weak or “crazy” or just some “emotional woman”. I have to wear the mask then don’t I? There are times that I wear this mask for days at a time. Sometimes I wonder if I look in the mirror while not wearing the mask, would I even see a face anymore.

I dreamed last night that I was walking somewhere and someone took my purse from my shoulder and ran with it. I cannot see the person in my dream, I can only see my purse bobbing and weaving as it is disappearing from my sight. A friend and I have talked about this a million times. I’ve told her that if anyone ever snatches my purse, they’ll have to kill me because I am not letting it go. There is no money in it, but it would take countless hours to replace everything I keep in there.

Between the mask and my purse, and having to keep up with both, I am mentally & totally exhausted.


Disillusioned said...

Oh dear. I know that mask so well, and the need to keep it on - and the desire to be able to put it away at some point. all I can say is, if you can find someone, even one person, with whom you can remove the mask, it helps. Even better is to be able to make the mask gradually more transparent - but it is a challenging, even threatening prospect, I know. My thoughts are with you.

Danielle Blogging for Balance said...

I have been there also...it has been a long time...but I have been there. I found that although you may think it would be more freeing to remove the mask....not wearing one is just as exhausting some times. As a bipolar personality it is difficult to explain ourselves to individuals that we deem 'wouldn't understand'. But the way I think about it is...why is it important to me that they understand???? It shouldn't be. So I move on. I y'am who I y'am. It has taken me a long time to get here. I pray that the same will happen to you somewhere down this difficult road.

Catherine said...

Days, weeks, months sometimes and the mask remains. Only for those few moments before sleep does it maybe slip to reveal what is underneath.