Tuesday, December 11, 2007

How long must one wait?

If I run away, from what am I running. If I run away, what will people think. If I never return it won’t matter what they think. What if I run away and can never find a place to stop. What if I run and I run and I cannot find what I need.

If I run away alone, is that not what I am running away from? Alone. ALONE. AAAAAAALLLLLLLOOOOONNNNNNNNEE.

Where are you God? Where are you husband. Husband are you not supposed to be God’s physical touch here on earth towards me? I don’t feel either of you.

First the sex left.

Then the kisses left.

The hugs are fast on their way too.

Talking is almost gone.

I lay next to him and I stare at him as he sleeps. He looks like the sensual man who woooed me. His voice is the same, but someone has went inside and taken over because that’s not the man I fell in love with.

I think I am on the verge of losing it and I don’t know how to stop it. I am afraid if they ever put me there in that place, that I’ll never get out; not the real me. I am afraid the part of me that is broken will never return and even though it is broken I still don’t want to lose a part of me do I?

My dad is still alive. So is my mom. My daughter and son of course and their babies. How long do I hang on to something that is so very painful in order to prevent other people from having pain? I’m tired. I’ve made too many dumb moves and had too many dumb moves done towards me to try to keep up the pace anymore.

I have somewhat of a plan.

I have the means.

Now all I need is the right timing.

1 comment:

Disillusioned said...

OH yes. I get this.

Sorry you do too.