Tuesday, August 22, 2006


WARNING - DEPRESSING - That is what I put in the subject line of any email I write that deals with my depression that I send to my friend so she will know if she is not having a good day, to save it and read it later.

I know people do not enjoy reading depressing posts on blogs either. I know it is a huge turn-off. Some days though I never see another soul other than my spouse and my boss (who doesn’t talk unless necessary – the boss – not the spouse) and I need to say these things to someone besides DH because he has enough on his mind:

Every time I have a “really down day”, it terrifies me that my meds are beginning to stop working. They do that...they quit about every 2-2.5 years and the depression comes back with a vengeance. It has only been a few months this time, please God don’t let them be pooping out on me already.

I am 45 and it terrifies me that I will have to live the rest of my life like this...wishing I just wouldn’t wake up one morning. Wondering when IT will hit me again. Wishing I could be normal.

DH (Dear Hubby) who just went back to work two weeks ago, found out today as of the 31st of this month he will be unemployed again. I am just in shock. Another company has taken over the contract and the new company will not be retaining him. The

I know people consider this ranting a pity party, and I know in my heart so many people have it so much worse. One of our blogging friends comes to mind when I whine about anything and that is DREAM MOM (whose link you can see to the right of my main page). How can I complain when I “watch” her live her life with such grace?

Please don’t tell me to “pick myself up by my boot strings” because I have done that more times than I can remember and STILL had the energy to hold my 380 in my hand and imagine what it would be like to pull the trigger.

Thank you my airway friends for listening.

I am still working on the book thing I was "tagged" on. I just don't have the ability to concentrate on anything other than work right now.


Too Fat 4 Ponies said...
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Too Fat 4 Ponies said...
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Artemis said...

Hey Surgeon -- this isn't meant to be some peppy "pick me up", but an attempt to let you know that we're around and we care about you. You ARE normal, especially in your frustration regarding your depression. It sucks to wonder how far you'll "slide" when those awful familiar feelings return. It especially sucks when it seems like theres a shortage of professional help or effective meds/you don't dare take any time off given DH's current status/boss can be a jerk (especially during the "no talking" phases). But we're here. And we care. About you.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.