Monday, July 10, 2006

If a Woman Stays with a Batterer, She Deserves to be Hit

(and other incredibly stupid things people say!)

Have you ever made that comment, or heard someone else say this when reading about a wife being abused or murdered by her husband or significant other? If so, have I got news for you.

Most women do not enjoy being hit. Most women do not enjoy being belittled. Most women do not enjoy being forced to do things in the bedroom that they are not comfortable with or that they feel are degrading.

Most women do not enjoy being called names. Most women do not enjoy not being free to see her family and friends. Most women do not enjoy.....

Friends, I could go on and on. For me, the name calling was worse than the slapping and pushing and hitting. The “oink oink” sounds made at me when I walked through the room did more damage to me than the bruises that eventually went away.

For those of you who say, “Why do women stay with men who hit them?” there are several answers.

Some women made youthful mistakes and married way too young and have no education and MickeyD’s just won’t pay the bills.

Some women have been “beaten down” to the point, both physically and mentally, that they think they are stupid and useless and would never survive. They feel they deserve no better.

Some women were brought up in abuse, and in turn “seek out” (unconsciously) men who will mistreat them. They think it is normal. I imagine that sounds farfetched and hard to believe, but I didn’t “get it” until I was in my late 30’s. I thought everyone lived the way I did.

Some women stay for “religious” reasons. Thinking that the abuse is their lot in life, or that divorce would be “wrong” in God’s eyes.

Some stay “for the kids”.

Some stay because “he” tells them he will kill them if they try to leave.

Some stay 24 years and never reported it the first time, because they know it would be twice as bad when the police leave.

I told two people, years ago. One was his father, and I had the “proof” on my face when I told him. The other was my (much) older sister. They didn’t want to get involved. More “proof” that I didn’t deserve any better.

There are lots of reasons why women stay. None of them include enjoying it...or deserving it.


Lizzie said...

In reply in an earlier posting about your husband .... has he considered filing for Social Security? He should ask his doctor about it. I have a friend who was VERY surprised to find out that her Chronic Pain qualified her. Believe me, it's worth investigating.

Kim said...

Your older sister didn't want to get involved?
If anyone so much as glanced wrong at my baby sister they'd be trauma material. The thing is, the unwillingness to get involved was HER mistake, but you felt like it was because of YOUR worthiness...

I have give information to women in abusive situations, in fact we have a pack with information on what to do and where to go and what to pack and where to hide it.

I wonder how many women have slipped through the cracks in the ER. Now I have a post idea....

kt said...

oh my lord that is such a heartless comment and naive may i add? no one "deserves" any kind of abuse and no one on the other end has any right to stand on the sidelines in their easy going lives to judge a woman and say she deserves to be hit!
i agree with you!!

oncRN said...

ability to give compassion - aside from opposable thumbs, would this not be one of the things that sets us apart from other animals? words like these make me think humans are a little further down the food chain than we think we are.

difficultpt said...

I don't even know where to begin . . . so I'll just say Amen.

Anonymous said...

i just came across your blog. I was there. I stayed for nearly two decades of my life. If my son hadn't caught him with porn pics with other women, i wouldn't have left him. I felt so small and my self esteem was in the pits that i was secretly planning in my mind to kill him. Its either him or me. Thank God i left him 3 years ago and i never felt better though it still hurts. It was never easy and you stayed on such abusive relationship not knowing that life will get better if you leave him. Thank you for understanding.....

Surgeon in my dreams said...

Anonymous...thank you (and all others) for you lovely comments. It is a hard road. You do wonder a lot of things and it is VERY hard to leave.

Somehow in my mind, the fear of the "UNKNOWN" was as abad as the fear of being in the sbue. At least I knew what to expect there.

There is hope. I am not what I would like to be. The years of fear did a number on me, but I am still a "work in progress" and progress at least means you are moving in the right direction.

Never give up or give in.