(If the idea of my using very vulgar language bothers you, please go away and read something on another day. Today, for me, is just about hanging on. On days like this the vulgarity that some days seems to match my life just has to come out.)
I am so tired of feeling this way. I am tired of reminding
myself of reasons I need to just hang on and hope it goes away. I am tired of
the guilt. I am tired of the shame. I am tired of all of the shit that goes on
and on and round and fucking around in my head.
I am tired of being lonely. I am fucking tired of needing to
feel someone’s body against mine and feel their arms around me. I was not made
to go without the physical aspect of who we are as human beings. I am tired of
being faithful when it would be so easy to find someone, anyone, to hold me and
make love to me for a few minutes.
I am tired to DEATH of seeing people on TV joke about how
their man wants sex all the time. I am tired of trying to talk to him and him acting ignorant
and pretending he doesn’t “understand”. WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO
UNDERSTAND??????????? Lie beside me in the fucking bed and touch me. Kiss me.
Fuck me.
I am so tired of this earth. I wish so badly that I could
just go on to Heaven without it hurting anyone. If I could make that happen I’d
go today. RIGHT FUCKING NOW I’d go! This shit just isn’t worth it. I lost
everything. I gave up everything. I lost a child. I gave up financial security.
I gave up a paid for home. I lost my parents respect just a bit. I lost
friends; or what I thought were friends. I even feel like I lost my self. When
you’ve lost a part of yourself, there is no fucking reason for anyone else to
give a shit. And all this for what? For a husband who hasn't touched me in years.
I am tired of the fucking pills. I am tired of the fakery. I
am tired of wearing the mask. I am sick and tired of being here when all I
really would like to do is to lay down and go to sleep and never wake. I hurt
when he is here and I hurt when he is gone. How do you explain that? I feel
like shit. I feel like he wishes I had never entered his life. I know he wishes
he could go back and stay where he was and that makes me feel like some pile of
shit he stepped in. Fuck this all. I mean fuck it all.
2 comments:
Hold on a little while longer. I know it seems rough right now, but trouble doesn't last always. You are loved. Despite your past, your hurt, your pain and your regrets, you are loved. Someone hears you. I hear you. I feel your pain and I understand what you are going through.
But no trouble or heartache (both of which are temporary) is worth taking your life over.
And don't ever forget, as long as you are still breathing, moving, and living - you are blessed. It's never too late to make a new beginning. It's never too late to right the wrongs of the past.
I hope you feel better. Sending you lots of love from the cyber world...
God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. You're in my prayers. Don't take life for granted. Somebody loves you.
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