I’ve been trying to observe myself from “outside myself”. There is a word for that, but I can’t think of it right now. I find I have lost my words a lot lately.
I seem to have decided that talking takes more effort than I am willing to put forth. Unless someone says something to me – I don’t talk. I have noticed that my husband does not seem to be a talker either. I guess that means I have been initiating all the conversing, along with all the sex, for the past 7 years? I had no clue.
I don’t want him to think I am mad at him. I’m not. I just have nothing to say. It is not just him either. I don’t talk at work except when I have to.
I think sometimes I would prefer to live alone. If I lived alone, neither he nor I would feel any pressure to speak.
I wonder if he hates being with me. It cannot be easy being with someone who is down so much of the time. I used to try to put on a front and pretend to be “up”. Like talking, that just seems to require more energy than I have anymore.
I wonder if my first husband of 24 years thought I was weird or if we were just weird together and had grown so accustomed to it that we no longer noticed it.
I wonder if there is such a thing as Sudden Onset of Adult Muteness?