Friday, May 23, 2008

Brains That Lie

Edwin Leap wrote a wonderful post about the patients he sees in the ER who suffer from depression.
Find it here

He has written several posts about this subject...about the people like me who live in "this world". His posts are so accurate as to the thoughts that go on in our heads, it is amazing.

I personally have never been to an ER because of my depression. It is not because I have not felt I needed to though. As I have gotten older, the depression has grown so much larger.

It is almost totally consuming now. So far I have held onto my job. I am fortunate that I work in an office with only two other people, so when I cry and absolutely cannot make the tears go away, I don't have to try and hide too much. I worry about my job though. It is getting more and more difficult to concentrate on what I am doing. Without my job, I am not sure what I would do.

For me, and many others like me, the meds stop working after a while. In my case, the meds stop working after a shorter and shorter period of time now days. It is exhausting to even think of going back to the shrink and telling him they no longer work. I feel as if I disappoint him when I tell him that. I fear seeing a look of anger on his face.

When you see my type walk through the doors, or you see them in the church, or beside you on your job, try to remember this is not something we asked for. We are not weak. We are not lazy or just wanting pity from anyone.

I remember when I was very first prescribed Prozac back in 1992. It was a miracle. It didn't make me happy. It simply made me me again. That's it. It worked for over 3 years. I have not been in that good of a shape since.

During the rare good times, I remind myself that just like it comes, it will go away again even if for only a short time, because when I am in the midst of it there is no thinking straight enough to remember.

I keep a little card on my desk that says, "Remember that if you ever feel like killing yourself, it is your brain lying to you". That simple sentence has helped me more than you can imagine. Maybe if you ever run into someone like me, you can tell them that.


LucidSplash said...

Sweetie, you should never feel like you are disappointing your doc by telling him/her the truth. If anything, they are disappointed that something that had been working is not anymore, not at you, the patient. And they should never ever be angry with you if you've been compliant with the meds and they've just stopped working. You must must must be honest with your doc - they can't help if you don't tell them what's going on - they're trained to be doctors, not psychics. If you don't feel like you can be honest with your doc, and its really because of the doc, please find a new doc.

-Concerned med student

Danielle Says Hello said...

Hi there! Yes, I'm still in writing out here in the blogosphere - I just write over at my 'home page' now with occasional updates at my other places. I like what that card says. In two weeks I will be covering the 'psychological disorders' chapter in my psychology class. When I cover drugs and addiction I always emphasize that it is a disease of the brain. As I head into the disorder chapters 'your brain is lying to you' is a great quote! Two weeks ago I finally agreed (after struggling for 30 years) to take an antidepressant - it did not agree with me and had me feeling crazier than I already do. Now I'm back to behavioral management - which if nothing else makes me stronger.

Catherine said...

I understand completely about the job. The past two years I have stuggled many times with working, but I know if I didn't work I would be miserable. I won't say work is my life, but it provides stability. When I feel like crying, I tell myself that if I can just wait until my planning period or lunchtime I can cry all I want to. I simply lock the door and go back to a corner where nobody will see me. Usually that works. When I absolutely cannot handle it anymore I assign seatwork and pretend to look busy at my desk. Luckily I don't have to do that very often.