I sat in my bedroom this evening, 2 foot from where my gun lay. I must have sat there and stared at it for 40 minutes. I could imagine it's weight in my hand, the coldness of the barrel as I pointed it in center mass. I stared and I cried and I stared. I told myself all the things they teach you at times like that.
It worked this time. But I am so tired, So very, very tired.