Friday, November 23, 2007

Can you recall what it feels like when something very good happens, like, maybe you find a favorite sweater you had misplaced? Maybe you stick your hands in the pocket of your old jeans and find a wad of cash you thought you had lost forever.

Perhaps you see the face of an old friend you haven’t seen in a long time. Remember how that makes you feel? Remember how you wondered why in the world you ever let that friendship die, or why you didn’t encourage it to grow into something more?

Have you ever experienced something so wonderful and for the rest of the day felt so good and had so much energy that you did things you’ve been putting off forever and actually grinned about it the entire time?

That is me. I am so happy. I’ve had the ole “shit eating grin” plastered across my face just about all day. I’ve been on high speed and that is normally not my pace. Since early this morning, my heart has pitter-pattered non-stop.

This is where we may differ… It scares the shit out of me to feel this happy.

I am afraid to feel that good; about anything. I hesitate to enjoy life too much. It has always been much easier to remain level, to stay on one plane rather that allow my heart to feel joy. I fear being content. I had my world snatched out from under me too many times. From my earliest memory, I lack the ability to recall any sense of security.

It has always felt like something is out there…waiting …Waiting on me to feel happiness, or to feel safe. This “thing” is waiting for me to let my guard down. It listens and waits and sniffs the air, waiting on me to let something slip from the inner most part of my mind that would indicate that I am just dripping with joy. This entity seems astonished that I could be so foolish, as to think I deserve anything good.

In my world it was safer to just be…to exist quietly and without notice.

So over the years I worked on my wall of security with the steady tenacity of an artist, perfecting the ability to protect myself from hurt. Flawlessly stacking brick and mortar perfectly.

Although I am sure I have protected myself against some hurt over the years, I am also sure I that I isolated my heart from the wonderful things I could have been experiencing all along. I may have insulated my heart and soul and kept out all the cold and the rain and thunder and storms, but in doing so I have also kept out the sun and the flowers and the rainbows and the butterflies.

I told myself today, that I would take that wall down. It will be one brick at a time & I understand that I cannot undo overnight, what it has taken me years to perfect.

I understand that I will need to be kind to myself when I mess up and fall back into my old habits and I will ask you for help to get back up and start again.

I will take pleasure in this gift that has once again come my way.

1 comment:

Danielle Blogging for Balance said...

My brother and I have touched on this topic a time or two. Every now and then we get glimpses of that 'happiness' but it is always shadowed by the 'other shoe that is going to drop'. Learning to live in the moment is not as easy as some make it sound but it is well worth learning to do. ;)