Wednesday, June 20, 2007

F-ing Mad and Smashing F-ing China

I have a hard time differentiating between a “blah” day or two, and the beginnings of my medication losing its’ effectiveness.

For 4 or 5 days out of the past week or so, tears have been a constant part of my days. My anger level is at full throttle. I have always been quick to tears, but until the past few years, say 5 or 6, I NEVER had an anger problem.

When I get angry it is almost always over stupid, non-anger worthy situations. It explodes out of the blue too! There is rarely ever a warning, such as I was already having a shoddy day, or “he had already pushed my last button” or anything like that. No this anger just explodes from a place I didn’t even know existed.

I don’t hit or yell at people or throw things, but there is an absolute burning desire to cuss, especially the F word, and to break something. I have often wondered how it would feel to just intentionally smash a dish or a glass or something. I generally don’t curse and I’ve never been a thrower or a hitter, but I cannot stress how powerful this urge is when it hits.

From what I have written you might not believe me, but I am about as nice as they come. I smile at everyone whose glance meets mine... I will stop and let traffic in if it is not presenting a danger to others for me to do so... If you only have an item or two in the grocery store I will let you ahead of me in line… I take home any stray animals... I’ve paid for someone’s items if they got to the register and ran out of money…but for all that kindness, there are times I want to just SCREAM as LOUD and as long as I can the most horrible curse words there are while at the same time smashing china against a tree, or a person, depending on the circumstances.

I’ve tried twice now to tell my shrink I think I am bipolar, that it is not strictly depression I suffer from. Do I sound bipolar?

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