Update (with fingers crossed)

Ah life is good. I am knocking on wood as I state that fact however.


The meds seem to be doing their job. Nothing has changed at home other than possibly my acceptance of the facts as they exist, and the bills still come in on a regular basis, but for whatever reason the depression seems to be taking a back seat.


At one time I would very proudly share with everyone when that happened. Whenever the depression would stay away, I didn't hesitate to tell the news. Then I learned that after announcing it suddenly things would change and it would come back with a vegenance so I stopped telling anyone. Something inside me tells me today to go ahead and share - maybe someone else needs to know there are some good times in between. I'm still crossing my fingers though.


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I thought I'd share my latest pics of my babies with you all. They bring me great joy, even Luke who tho getting better, still has a tendency to eat things that really shouldn't be consumed.



This is Luke. He is a rescue dog, as all my dogs have been. He is twice as long as he is tall so looks a lot like either a Daschund or a Basset, and has the personality of a Beagle with his tunnel vision when it comes to getting fixated on some object.


So far he has consumed 3 remote controls, or at least parts of them, making them trashworthy. The concept of a Nylabone, which my other baby loves and will hang on to and tote around the house to his various hiding places, is completely lost on Luke. I found this out the hard way after giving him one. He ate it. He promptly threw it up for which I am grateful because I can only imagine what kind of damage it could have caused otherwise.


Luke is approximately just under 2 years according to the vets guess.




To the right is Thomas. He is a mixture of who knows what. He is 100% sweet and loving and very well-behaved.

Thomas is the exact opposite of Luke. You only have to give Thomas a stern look and he will obey. Thomas is a little over 3 years old according to the vets guess when he first came to live with us, (Thomas - not the vet).

Thomas has been a huge comfort to me during the very blackest times of my struggle with depression.



Here they are waiting on their humans to let them back in. "How long do these humans think it takes to pee anyway?"


So there are two of my babies.

I also have a hideously large goldfish (about 5 inches long and fat-fat-fat) I bought for 29 cents when he was about an inch long.

Then there is Maxine, Odie and Rudy, my three rats. I discovered the intelligence and gentleness of pet rats about 3 years ago. I had 4 but Gladys passed away about 6 months ago.

The only have a lifespan of approximately 3 years. So far, the three remaining are about 3 and a couple of months. The exceptions to the rule maybe.

Sebastion, Samantha and George are our three cats. Again, all rescues. I'll add all the others at a later date. I hope you enjoy the pics.

Back to My Real World

Well, I am home from my trip to stare at the ocean.

The dogs were a real chore. They loved being with us, they HATED the water and the long car ride. They were good babies though.

I believe the official White Trash Convention was staying at our hotel this year. There must have been 6 or 7 family units of some mixture there. I might get into that later. It is a story all unto itself.

We only left the hotel to eat lunch out every day. I did well - stuck to healthy stuff as much as possible.

I found this trip that I am older and/or out of shape big time. I normally can play in those waves for hours. Honey, one of them waves knocked me down and 3 more pounded me before I could drag my ass out. I thought I was gone to meet my maker for sure. I never pictured meeting Him while wearing a swimsuit. At least it was a one piece. And when I showered that evening, there was sand and pieces of shells all in my butt. Ugh.

Hubby and I only fought twice and that was when he went to change lanes without looking over his shoulder at his blind spot and we almost broadsided a huge SUV while going 70 MPH. At the next spot we could pull over...I DROVE. The other was when he opened the door to our balcony and dumped the sand from his shoes right there! Right in the doorway where we had to walk to get to the balcony to sit. Are all men so damn dense?

As far as "the other"...the hope that I had had for the trip... Like the song says; "Nothing changes round here". But that's okay. I might just settle into a comfortable spot anyhow.

Oceans, Tears and Other Large Bodies of Water

One week from today, barring any complications financial or otherwise, I will be at the oceans front for 6 days. Please complications... don’t raise your ugly heads. Last year when we were supposed to go, the car was in the shop to the tune of $2400.00.

I cannot remember a time I did not love the ocean, or the lake, or a pool. Mostly the ocean though.

I don’t swim that well, but I could stay in the water for hours and hours. I’ve met jellyfish face to face, (well - face to legs anyway), and have been pulled into an undertow, but even with those fears slightly in the back of my mind, I still love to be in the water.

I hate hot weather, but with the ocean and I can at least cool off whenever I need to. Some people go on vacation and shop and go to shows. To me the biggest show is the water. I can be anywhere I want to be watching those waves. I can be anybody I want to be.

Husband as well as the furry babies, are going. I am praying this will be a good time for husband and I. Maybe without all the work stress and the bills and the routine business of life we can pull back the passion we had once, before it disappears never to return. The shrink is not optimistic, but I feel I have to be. Who would have ever thought I could be more optimistic than my shrink?

Maybe if it does nothing else, the salt water can wash the profound aloneness and sadness from my heart.

My Review of Pinhole Glasses

DISCLAIMER: I am neither promoting nor demoting these glasses. I am simply performing a favor asked of me by way of this BLOG.

A few weeks ago I was asked to “test drive” a pair of glasses called “Pinhole Glasses” and then write a review about them. The picture linked is the style I was sent except the lenses on mine were clear rather than the ones shown.

The glasses I received had clear plastic frames and the lenses appear to be black plastic and has tiny little holes covering the entire lens. The glasses came with no literature explaining them or how to wear them.

When I “googled” the glasses, I found a little information about how they are supposed to help you regardless of what type of eye problem you have. The information linked is the page I read.

I began having trouble reading close material the year I turned 40, and have gotten away so far with reading glasses from the drug store or department stores. Without reading glasses, the words in a book pretty much just all blur together. Ah the joys of aging.

I tried the pinhole glasses both for reading print material, for working on the computer, and for watching television.

When reading, if I squinted and concentrated on just one of the pinholes, I could read as well as I could with my over the counter reading glasses. Squinting to look through just one pinhole however would defeat the purpose of reading glasses and in my case squinting tends to cause me to have a headache.

When looking at the computer monitor and the TV, they did not do the trick for me.

To sum it all up, in my case, the glasses were not helpful in my situation.

Hazardous Lunch Breaks

Today during my lunch hour, I went to the grocery store up the road. I only drive to work two days a week and the other 3 days I carpool with my husband to save on gas.

Now if you have been reading my blog for a while, you may have read where I had another lunchtime incident some time ago involving a hit and run where a lady hit me then proceeded to drive on to her home as if it never happened. I know where she went because I followed her there and blocked her in while I called the Highway Patrol.

The store I was going to today is only 2 miles up the road from my office and since we have a fridge here at work, it saves me from having to stop after work when I need to pick up a few things.

As I was headed to the store, minding my own bees-wax, I passed an apartment complex just as a truck was coming down the driveway of the complex. Evidently he didn’t notice the stop sign because he was out in the road a good 4 foot by the time he stopped, causing me to slam on brakes and swerve into the other lane to avoid him.

Now believe it or not, I did not flip him the finger as I was as I was desperately attempting not to t-bone his truck. I just went right on past and turned into the store parking lot which was only about 300 yards on up the road.

I noticed when I turned in to the store parking lot that he turned in right behind me. Before I knew it he had punched it and come up right beside my window. Now I am not an idiot…I do everything I can to avoid road rage incidents and this time was no exception. I did not look over at him nor did I slow down, I just went right on to the store front and pulled in to a parking space. After all, it may have been a coincidence that we were going to the same place.

I sat in my car for a few seconds to be sure though, and noticed he had bypassed several nice parking spots and was very slowly driving right behind me. This got my attention sure’nuff. He went to the end of the parking lot and turned around and drove back past the back of my car very slowly. He did this a total of 5 times.

After the fifth time, he pulled his truck around and parked at the end of the parking lot and sat there with his truck facing me. There was not another business where he had parked and he was not in a parking space. He was just sitting there, facing my car. I was at this point rather hesitant about getting out of my car.

I sat there about 10 more minutes and he never moved. Finally I decided to get out and hurry on into the store. The cashier up front must have seen something in my face because she immediately asked me what was wrong. She called the manager up front and when I explained to him what had happened he walked outside to look around.

When he came back he said the truck with the man in it was still sitting there and when he walked towards the truck and got a little closer the guy drove off and he watched him leave the parking lot and drive on to the road.

I have no clue what his intentions were. I don’t know if he was out looking for a fight, and thought that I was pulling in hoping he would follow so I could confront him or what. I do know this, it gave me a very uncomfortable feeling. My heart was beating so hard, even by time I got back here to work, that I could almost hear it. I despise being afraid. I resent terribly for someone to cause me to be intimidated.

I am a former cop as most of you who have been reading a while know, so I don’t panic easily at all, but this episode made me very nervous. This time I followed my gut when it said to STAY IN THE CAR.

I believe had this incident went in another direction this man would have harmed me, all because HE pulled out in front of ME in traffic.

Gives me a whole new set of reason to purchase a cell phone….and a concealed weapon permit.

"In My Secret Life"

I was introduced to a song recently. "In My Secret Life" by Leonard Cohen.

I saw you this morning.
You were moving so fast.
Can’t seem to loosen my grip
On the past.
And I miss you so much.
There’s no one in sight.
And we’re still making love
In My Secret Life.

I smile when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I’d die for the truth
In My Secret Life.

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I’ll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

Looked through the paper.
Makes you want to cry.
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die.
And the dealer wants you thinking
That it’s either black or white.
Thank G-d it’s not that simple
In My Secret Life.

I bite my lip.
I buy what I’m told:From
the latest hit,To the wisdom
of old.But I’m always alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it’s crowded and cold
In My Secret Life.

My daughter has an amazing ability to find songs that actually mean something. This one sounds so much like several posts I have written here.

Maybe everyone has a secret life. Maybe I am not so unusual after all.

On the other hand, maybe it is true that many artistic types are like me, just a little bit...off.

Free, One Terrific, Wonderful, Spectacular Dog

For you all, an update on the newest member of my pack.

Luke is now, according to the shelter and the vet (who both guessed), approximately 16 or so months old. He is a beautiful dog. Very loving. Solemn, huge brown eyes that can stare into yours forever.

He is very playful, obviously from a hunting breed. When he gets to chasing a small critter in the yard he has the most perfect tunnel vision you can imagine. He is very diligent at everything he does.

So far we have come home to find 3 remote controls in various small, chewed up pieces. We twice now, have come home from a 2 hour trip to church to find a brand new loaf of bread on the floor with about 24 slices MISSING.

Coasters no longer sit on our end tables. Trash cans sit on the porch these days. There is not a whole lot we can do about the wooden entertainment center the big TV sits on, but the bottom left corner is almost gone.

Poor brother Thomas no longer has free access to the entire house (including that nice big warm waterbed) that he had B.L. (before Luke). Now all Thomas has are the 3 rooms that I cannot find a way to close off or use a baby gate on.

If he figures out how to open the fridge, I'm not sure those big beautiful brown eyes will matter.

Dogs - Our Best Friends?

I’ve mentioned here before that I tend to stay away from news articles that I know will put a picture in my mind that I won’t be able to make go away. I have to do this, because, well…I get these horrible pictures in my mind and they won’t go away.

Today I just flipped onto my local news site and the first headline I see is,

Shelter's Mascot Dog Found Mutilated

Dog May Have Been Dragged To Death

I have always had a deep love and respect for animals. As I have grown older however, and I see something in the news like this, and I feel a red hot fiery rage inside me and then the tears start.

I cannot fathom, nor can I even begin to imagine, how any human being could intentionally hurt an animal. I know some people might say, “Well someone who does this has probably been abused or had a horrible childhood”.

Well, BULL BUTTER! I experienced anger and rage and abuse for a lot of years, but I could never think of, and put into action, some train of thought that would allow me to abuse an animal, and I DON’T use the term “Never” lightly.

I don’t know if it is Biblical or not, and don’t care to know for sure until I can see for myself (at which time it won’t matter), but I like to believe that when animals die they too will go to Heaven.

The Bible talks about how happy we will be and how there will be no tears there. God gave a lot of us a very special heart for animals and I cannot imagine Him not having that huge part of our lives waiting for us in Heaven.

I like to think that when this poor baby passed on, he was greeted by my canine babies and others who went on before him.

I choose to believe when they welcomed him in, they hugged him tight in that special way dogs have. I believe they sniffed his butt and licked his face then I think they took him to see Jesus.

After his hugs from Jesus, I believe all his new friends took him out to the big back yard where there was clean fresh running water and food that never ran out. Then they introduced him to all the humans who hung around all day for no other reason than to scratch his belly and pat his head & give him doggy kisses by the dozens. I believe then as they got ready to settle down for one of their many afternoon naps, they showed him where they keep the treats you don’t have to beg for.

I ache that I cannot hug him and tell him how sorry I am that one of my own did this horrible thing to him.

Treat him special Flopsy and Lady. He deserves it.

Well Shit, Why Didn't I Think of That!?!

Simple ways to get rid of depression!
Stuff we've all heard before.

Click * Here

Some people are so past stupid.

Impossible Questions

My heart is breaking. My shrink says I need to get friends and relatives to stand behind me and to support me right now. (Not financially, but emotionally.) My world isn’t like that. I don’t have anyone like that.

She said she doesn’t believe the counseling is going to change anything in my marriage. She believes it is I who must decide if I am going to be content to live in a brother-sister relationship. She asked me if I like him and enjoy his friendship enough for that to be a reason to stay. She asked me evidently what she thought were several key questions and I guess my answers said to her I will be the one to make this decision.

I am not good at decisions. I can do business decisions well. I can make decisions at work well. I was a good decision maker when under extreme pressure as a cop, but emotional/relationship decisions I have never learned to do. I don’t trust my judgment in those situations.

If I ended this marriage I am afraid I would be consumed with guilt. He is nice. He is very sweet. Very laid back. He has some health issues, some financial woes. I don't know he could make it off one income.

I don’t know who I am. I have always been someone’s mom or someone’s wife. I lived with my parents until I was 15, then with my 1st husband for 24 years then I was alone for 5 months before this one moved in. I've never been alone.

I've never. met. me.

For the source of the picture used above right click on it.

When the Black Dog is Nipping at Your Ass...Again

It is a sick, sore feeling in the pit of your stomach. Not quite nausea, and still experiencing hunger at appropriate times, but not really wanting to eat.

It is a feeling of such weight in your arms and your legs, sometimes just your entire body. Like these body parts will only hold you up a short period of time longer.

It is noticing you haven’t take a deep breath in an hour or more, not since you began staring at the white spot on your computer screen some time ago.

It is realizing you are almost ½ way to work and don’t remember passing any landmarks or going through any traffic lights.

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Ohhhhhhhh we're off to see the shrinkette, the
wonderful shrinkette of ozzzzzz.

The marriage counselor wants to see me alone this time.
Sighhhhhhhhhhh. I hope she's not gonna tell me I am
weird for being upset about the no sex thing.

Wedding Anniversary & Dust Bunnies

He didn’t remember our 8th wedding anniversary Saturday, but I got a whole lot of house cleaning done.

Lost in Life...and Town

It amazes me how one day I can be almost “highly” normal and within hours feel there is absolutely no reason to continue living.

Yesterday, for the first time in 5+ years, I went to one of our district offices to teach a class to a roomful of supervisors. It went very well. The first 10 minutes or so my shaking was very obvious as I held up the forms I was showing the class, but I was eventually able to stop it.

For weeks I had worried about this class. I had to drive to another city where I am totally unfamiliar with the area. That for one is not something I do well. Then I had the thoughts of actually standing up there instructing the class. I had some serious stomach issues for several days right before the event.

There were 22 supervisors there plus their manager. I used to teach one hour classes in our field all the time, but I haven’t been able to do that in so long because of the extreme anxiety that entered my world a few years ago. Yesterday, however, I taught for exactly one hour and the time flew by. I didn’t hurl nor did I pee on myself. I was so much braver than I thought I would be.

I still could have talked on and on, but the aroma of fresh bar-b-q was taking control of the minds in the room. I was invited to hang around for lunch, but I knew I had reached the limit of my “brave” for one day.

Then there was the trip home. I found my car okay. I had parked on the 3rd floor of a parking deck. What I had not noticed when I parked was that the exit was not near the entrance. When I drove out I was on a different road than when I went in!

That is about all it takes to panic me. I am sitting in the driveway trying to decide which way I should go when I notice a sign pointing to the right and saying ONE WAY. Immediately my decision was made for me.

Needless to say after about 40 minutes of “lost” time, I found my way back here. I was feeling rather proud of myself except for the “lost” part, and began to wonder if I could after all speak in some churches concerning the stigma of mental health, like I feel led to do.

I go through this natural high the remainder of the day at work, and even on my way home. By night however, my mind is back on my marriage and how it seems to be not changing for the better.

By bedtime my mind will not turn off. I lay there and imagine being in a marriage the rest of my life where my husband does not feel passionately about me. Where it seems so not right. I picture my brain like the sun as it circles around the moon (I hope that’s right – I really don’t remember some of that stuff) constantly turning, slow but steady, and for a while there is the good time of the day and then comes the bad time of the day except there doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason as to what turns certain areas on or off.

I am looking forward to going back to the counselor next week. I truly want to fix me. I so want to be normal.

By the way, I am teaching another group of supervisors in two week!!

Marriage Counseling Part Deaux (?)

Ahhh... I just had to tell everyone the counseling went better than I expected.


Most of you know I don't mince words. I am not one to stick my head in the sand and pretend a problem is not there. I would rather have a big blow up, get some feelings hurt if necessary (yes, even mine) and settle something once and for all that to avoid at all costs a fight only to have things fester and pop up like an angry zit later.


Well, at counseling that is the attitude I went in with. I just told the lady that I had given up on trying to change my husband and at this point I need help in learning to let go of the anger and resentment that has built up over the last 6 years.


My husband, being the stable, sweet, nice person that he is sat there very calmly while I ranted and raged and sobbed until I had the hiccups. Needless to say there was lots of snot slinging and tear flowing going on. Ever the thoughtful person he, unrolled all 6'5" of himself out of her couch and walks to the desk to get me a box of kleenex. I guess he was afraid I'd use my sleeve.


All in all, it went well. I had some major problems of my own pointed out to me. One of them was the anger and the silence. I tried to cop out by pointint out I didn't turn into a bitch until AFTER he stopped having sex, but you know....being an adult and all I just sucked it up and told myself regardles it still has to be fixed.


Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I love the big ole baffoon. He loves me. I guess you just have to make your choices and choose your priorities stick to them. I'll keep you updated.


On another note....


I was contacted recently and invited to be a part of Wellsphere health blogger community. I gratefully accepted the invitation in the hopes that one of my whiny, depressing posts that I have written will help other people who suffer from Major Depression maybe not feel so alone in their fight.

Wellsphere is not only about mental health though, it has tons of information on other health related issues, such as healthy eating and exercise and memory retention, just to name a few. It is a community type networking website where you can find advice, answers, tips, blogs, friends, motivation, inspiration and support from all over, or from people in your local area, from other bloggers like you and me.

Not sure about you, but I can take all the help I can get. Some of the bloggers I found 4 or so years ago when I discovered blogging have helped me get through some of my deepest darkest "places".

Marriage Counseling

My belly is in knots. I am shaking more than usual. I actually feel naseaus.

"He" and I begin marital counseling tomorrow. I don't know what there is left to say. We've beat a dead horse for 6 years now. On the one hand I want to think it is going to turn things around for us; on the other hand, I sure hate getting my hopes up again.

I read soemthings yesterday that I found on letting go of resentment and anger. I am ready to let these things go. I have felt them and smoked them and ate them and slept with them and nursed them for years and they are consuming me. If you look at it this way, basically, by my being consumed by my anger he has won twice.

I think I am prepared for this all to go either way. Maybe apart is what we need for a while. Financially I don't know how we will do it, but we can I guess. Then I wonder, "Well what if he meets someone else. Will I die? Will that kill me?"

I guess it wont kill me, since I have not been treated like a wife anyway. More like good friends or brother and sister is how we've lived for years now.

I never know how to act in a counselors office. This subject, when it comes up, can become highly combustible. I hope she doesn't get offended at the S*** word or the WTF phrase. I hope I don't hurl.