Lost in Life...and Town

It amazes me how one day I can be almost “highly” normal and within hours feel there is absolutely no reason to continue living.

Yesterday, for the first time in 5+ years, I went to one of our district offices to teach a class to a roomful of supervisors. It went very well. The first 10 minutes or so my shaking was very obvious as I held up the forms I was showing the class, but I was eventually able to stop it.

For weeks I had worried about this class. I had to drive to another city where I am totally unfamiliar with the area. That for one is not something I do well. Then I had the thoughts of actually standing up there instructing the class. I had some serious stomach issues for several days right before the event.

There were 22 supervisors there plus their manager. I used to teach one hour classes in our field all the time, but I haven’t been able to do that in so long because of the extreme anxiety that entered my world a few years ago. Yesterday, however, I taught for exactly one hour and the time flew by. I didn’t hurl nor did I pee on myself. I was so much braver than I thought I would be.

I still could have talked on and on, but the aroma of fresh bar-b-q was taking control of the minds in the room. I was invited to hang around for lunch, but I knew I had reached the limit of my “brave” for one day.

Then there was the trip home. I found my car okay. I had parked on the 3rd floor of a parking deck. What I had not noticed when I parked was that the exit was not near the entrance. When I drove out I was on a different road than when I went in!

That is about all it takes to panic me. I am sitting in the driveway trying to decide which way I should go when I notice a sign pointing to the right and saying ONE WAY. Immediately my decision was made for me.

Needless to say after about 40 minutes of “lost” time, I found my way back here. I was feeling rather proud of myself except for the “lost” part, and began to wonder if I could after all speak in some churches concerning the stigma of mental health, like I feel led to do.

I go through this natural high the remainder of the day at work, and even on my way home. By night however, my mind is back on my marriage and how it seems to be not changing for the better.

By bedtime my mind will not turn off. I lay there and imagine being in a marriage the rest of my life where my husband does not feel passionately about me. Where it seems so not right. I picture my brain like the sun as it circles around the moon (I hope that’s right – I really don’t remember some of that stuff) constantly turning, slow but steady, and for a while there is the good time of the day and then comes the bad time of the day except there doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason as to what turns certain areas on or off.

I am looking forward to going back to the counselor next week. I truly want to fix me. I so want to be normal.

By the way, I am teaching another group of supervisors in two week!!