Sunday, April 21, 2013

Oh God please tell me it isn’t back. Please tell me this is just “that time of the month” or something else hormonal. Please God don’t let this be my medication petering out.

The first thing I recognized was waking up in the morning and being disappointed about it. I know how ungrateful that sounds to most people, but until you have lived inside my head, PLEASE DON'T JUDGE.

 

The next thing I am noticing is severe forgetfulness and a really difficult time finding my words and concentrating. I even mentioned the forgetfulness to my family doc during my physical last month but he wasn't concerned. Oh, and another thing, I'm crying a lot. Right now it is only during a sad part in a movie or a song that really touches me, but damn it that is how it usually begins.

 

I don't know how many more of these lapses in life, because of the medication no longer being effective, that I can survive. It is like walking through water. Or mud maybe. Like some dreams I have had where I was running to get away from something but realized I was running in the lake and not getting any where.

The timing is right though. For the past 10 or so years, the meds work for 15-24 months then they stop. It has been 16 months since I was put on the cocktail I am taking now. I have always been grateful that I never had to be admitted for this. The last time though, I came very close. I can't imagine what it is like and from what I have read really don't want to.

Please, please, please don't come back.