Hollow Penance

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I hope it is not the holidays, but neither do I want
it to be the medication not working. I thought I had
gotten past the era where the holidays make me so
sad. I wonder how long I have been this way?

There is so much about me I don’t know.

Have I always been sad during Christmas? Have I
always been so afraid to be alone? Why?

Have I always felt so completely and utterly helpless?

I have made some horrible mistakes in my life. I have
done things that hurt so many people. Bad hurts.
Permanent hurts. When I get in this part of me where
I am now, they all scream at me. I cannot make them
go away nor do I believe I should be able to make them
go away. They are my penance. The suffering I deserve
for the stupid things I have done.

I used to think they were the worse consequences of
my actions. I am no longer sure of that. Now I wonder
if the worst consequence is the one I pay every day.

The loneliness. The feeling of nothingness. The untouched
soul.

I feel so hollow inside. Like if a fire came lone there would
not even be enough sustenance to keep it burning. My
outer shell longs for the touch of someone who yearns
for me, who wants me. Someone who enjoys my touch
and my taste. My skin feels like one huge irritated
nerve ending. Like the simplest of touches would send
me over the edge.

It is funny how he wanted me so badly when he couldn’t
have me. Was it the challenge that excited him so?
Was it the fact I was younger? Was it a mid-life crisis that
I gave up everything I had ever known for?

I don’t think I am this strong anymore. I am just so tired
of playing make believe.