Worry, Hissing and Friday

It is Friday. (OK...it was Friday when I started this post) It is 50 minutes from going home time. I am so ready to go home.

It is also raining here at work, along with some serious thunder and lightning. (I have heard several "hissing" sounds along with the lightning which in all my 45 years I never remember hearing before. I've never been afraid of a storm, but am considering changing that stance.) I digress.....

That is pretty much what I do...I work, I worry and I go home. I have not always been this way, but as I get older, whatever this "thing" is that soaks the life from me like a sponge, is getting worse.

I am a worrier. I worry about all the "what if's" of the future. The sensible and intelligent part of my brain KNOWS that worry does no good, that it even does harm (just ask my belly) but if there is an "off" switch someone put it under a newspaper someplace where I cannot find it.

I also no longer enjoy being in crowded places. When I go in a store, or even to church, I feel like everyone is watching me and any minute I will do something terribly stupid or embarassing. I used to be a cop for goodness sake! The fuzz. The Poleeze. A full fledged Law Enforcement Officer. Now, I have to force myself to look people in the eye when I talk to them.

I recently read a, BLOG
on GRUNT DOC and it made me wonder if I may have a brain tumor. Is hyperchondriacism a part of this problem also??? Is hyperchondriacism even a word???

Then there is the depression. Diagnosed in 1992. Medicated, but it seems after 2.5 - 3 years every antidepressant I have ever been on stops working and then the doc has to change them around to get me feeling NORMAL again. NORMAL . I'm not even sure I'd remember NORMAL if it hopped up on a foot stool and slapped me across the face. By the way, what is NORMAL ? Who decided?

I know it is not NORMAL to be depressed every day for 14 years. I also realize it is not NORMAL to avoid going to my favorite "Huge Department Store" because I am afraid I will do something dumb. It is probably not even NORMAL to worry about everything that could possibly happen in life.

I am so ready to go home. Where it is safe.