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Santa please hurry. I'm not sure how much more of the merriment I can take.
I'm sitting here when I should be in bed but I know when I get in bed my mind will really start to ramble. What's bad is if I can hang on till the holidays are over, then I'll have a whole new fresh year to dread. In this box with no way out and no where to go if I got out.
A hundred years ago I used to do volunteer work with a local suicide prevention group. I was young, maybe 22 when I started. Was even volunteer of the year once for this office through the United Way. Looking back, I HAD NO CLUE.
I know now EXACTLY what those people would mean when they would say, "What's the use?", and what my trite, empty, canned slogans must have sounded like.
Well, it certainly didn't take long for me to come to the conclusion that I am unable to function once the medication is out of my system. I suppose getting the house cleaned was a positive from my little experiment.
Maybe now that it is clean I can keep it that way easier because all the energy I had flew out the window when I went back on the Seroquel. (I am not on as much as before but have a bad feeling that what I am on is not going to be enough.) I was cleaning and cleaning and thinking, "Wow. That Seroquel was really causing me a lot of fatigue." I guess what was really happening was it was keeping the bipolar under control.
Another holiday season is here. Over the past 14 years of mine and my son's estrangement that happened when I left his father, I most of the time have gotten better about the holidays as the years have passed but this year for whatever reason it is hitting me worse than in a while.
Yeah, this is definitely a "worse" year. I can't get my son off my mind. I miss him like I imagine a recent amputee misses a limb. I miss seeing his babies, my grandbabies, who I am no allowed to see. Now my daughter for whatever reason is unable to visit or have me visit because she "needs to feel safe". I haven't a clue what that means. My own father is now upset with me because I am not pushing my daughter about our Christmas get-together we normally have. If she doesn't feel well enough to have me over for visits I'm betting she doesn't feel like the big Christmas thing either.
I know there are so many other people like me out there. People who for whatever reason cannot tolerate the holiday season. Or at least not tolerate it well. Then there are people like me who can put on their mask and even convince themselves that everything is fine. I used to be able to do that.
I hurt for all of you! I cry for all of us who for whatever reason are getting older and missing our children. I'm sad for all of us who can never please our aging, elderly parents and fear that their acceptance will never come to fruition before it is too late. I'll lift you all up in prayer and you lift me up or send me warm fuzzies or whatever it is that you do...Merry Christmas
