(If the idea of my using very vulgar language bothers you, please go away and read something on another day. Today, for me, is just about hanging on. On days like this the vulgarity that some days seems to match my life just has to come out.)

 

I am so tired of feeling this way. I am tired of reminding myself of reasons I need to just hang on and hope it goes away. I am tired of the guilt. I am tired of the shame. I am tired of all of the shit that goes on and on and round and fucking around in my head.

I am tired of being lonely. I am fucking tired of needing to feel someone’s body against mine and feel their arms around me. I was not made to go without the physical aspect of who we are as human beings. I am tired of being faithful when it would be so easy to find someone, anyone, to hold me and make love to me for a few minutes.

I am tired to DEATH of seeing people on TV joke about how their man wants sex all the time. I am tired  of trying to talk to him and him acting ignorant and pretending he doesn’t “understand”. WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO UNDERSTAND??????????? Lie beside me in the fucking bed and touch me. Kiss me. Fuck me.

I am so tired of this earth. I wish so badly that I could just go on to Heaven without it hurting anyone. If I could make that happen I’d go today. RIGHT FUCKING NOW I’d go! This shit just isn’t worth it. I lost everything. I gave up everything. I lost a child. I gave up financial security. I gave up a paid for home. I lost my parents respect just a bit. I lost friends; or what I thought were friends. I even feel like I lost my self. When you’ve lost a part of yourself, there is no fucking reason for anyone else to give a shit. And all this for what? For a husband who hasn't touched me in years.

I am tired of the fucking pills. I am tired of the fakery. I am tired of wearing the mask. I am sick and tired of being here when all I really would like to do is to lay down and go to sleep and never wake. I hurt when he is here and I hurt when he is gone. How do you explain that? I feel like shit. I feel like he wishes I had never entered his life. I know he wishes he could go back and stay where he was and that makes me feel like some pile of shit he stepped in. Fuck this all. I mean fuck it all.

Just So You Know...

I love you with a passion you will never comprehend. I loved you before your presence was known to even me, much less the world.

I would lay down my life for you. I would have kept you safe no matter what that safety could have required of me. I believe I showed you that at least twice in the short time I had with you.

I loved the way your head smelled when I would hold you. I loved the touch of your skin against mine. I loved feeling your heart beat against mine when I held you close.

All these years I kept thinking, "It can't last forever". Well, I'm not sure how much more there is left until "forever" gets here, but if something doesn't change soon, my thinking was horribly wrong. It could last forever - and damn near has.

I'll leave this world loving you my son...just so you know. I'll hold no grudges; no bitterness and no anger, and I pray that one day, even if it is after I'm gone, you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I would have taken it back at any point were that possible, but it's not. It's just not. 

Just so you know.