Make it go away mommy....

I sat in my bedroom this evening, 2 foot from where my gun lay. I must have sat there and stared at it for 40 minutes. I could imagine it's weight in my hand, the coldness of the barrel as I pointed it in center mass. I stared and I cried and I stared. I told myself all the things they teach you at times like that.
It worked this time. But I am so tired, So very, very tired.

Mental Hospital

I feel like I am losing my mind. I can barely make a decision. Any decision. I just want so badly for this to go away. I feel like I need to be in the hospital, but having never been there, I'm not even sure they really help. I would hate to risk having a huge bill to pay not to mention being out of work and not be any better when I get out.

This too shall pass is my mantra, and it has been for years and years but I am getting so tired. I can't imagine ANOTHER 16 years of this.

Mental Health Care & Fat Rat's Ass

Are there really people out there who can afford the minimum of $90 per visit to seek counseling? That is the minimum! They won't let you make payments either - I've asked every one I have contacted.

Sliding scale doesn't help unless you're destitute. Forget the "Government Mental Health Clinics"...they are so busy they can only see you every 3-4 months, and they use that same sliding scale.

What pisses me off though, is I know if I didn't work (which so far I am hanging onto my job by the skin of my teeth as long as they don't mind me crying on and off throughout the day), didn't pay my bills, sat around popping out babies, and didn't give a Fat Rats Ass, I could get it all for free just by holding out my hand.